Gandalf the White (The Rake's Song, Colin Meloy)

I have Lord of the Rings on the brain right now.  Here's a reflection from Gandalf - the slightly less responsible movie version, who's into drinking in libraries and barging in on hobbits in the middle of the night - addressing Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas to the tune of the Decemberists' The Rake's Song.

Gandalf the White

As I researched objects of power,
I blew rings and guzzled tankards of beer.
Then an Elven matron caught me,
And she chided, “Sir, you can’t smoke in here,
All right?  Books might ignite!”

Though I was irked, I had what I needed:
Confirmation we were facing the worst.
So much to do, a war to prepare for...
But I had to see Frodo off first.
I brought his plight to light
And gave him quite a fright.

“Frodo,” I told him, “Bilbo left a golden trinket.
I can’t rest until it’s finally gone.
Riders from Mordor could come to your door,
So you and Samwise must leave with the dawn.
Your flight starts at first light.”

Then when he left, I went to the wizard
Who I could count on to help with my quest.
Though I suspected that my efforts would be futile,
I had hope when I consulted the best -
The White - he’d set things right.
But White was not too bright.

Saruman locked me on the top of a tower.
Took an eagle to escape from his wrath.
Came back to you, and I led you but tumbled
Toward the Balrog as you ran up the path.
Our fight went on all night.

Then after I won, I left but returned here.
Seems the world was not finished with me.
I know that you think I don’t look like Gandalf;
That’s because the Grey is gone, you see.
So cite delight, not fright.
I’m called Gandalf the White!

Moria (Today, Randy Sparks)

Gimli sings the praises of Balin and Moria to Legolas to the tune of John Denver's Today.

Moria

Today, in the kingdom that they call a mine,
We’ll find sanctuary and lavishly dine.
The tests of tomorrow are ages away;
Balin the valiant will host us in style today.

Legolas, let me assure you that no one
In all of your halls where the Elven lords sing
Can rival the heart of that cousin of Gloin.
Truly he’s the noblest of kings.

Today, in the kingdom that they call a mine,
We’ll rest - once the wizard can work out this sign.
The tests of tomorrow are ages away;
Balin the valiant will host us in style today.

His deeds are recounted in old Bilbo’s story,
Well-known to the hobbit who’s bearing the Ring.
Come, let us meander through Moria’s glory;
Beauty is not just an Elf thing.

Today, in the kingdom that they call a mine,
We’ll marvel at mithril so fluid and fine.
The tests of tomorrow are ages away;
Balin the valiant will host us in style today.

Today, in the kingdom that they call a mine,
We’ll find sanctuary and lavishly dine.
The tests of tomorrow are ages away;
Balin the valiant will host us in style today.

Triple Dog Dare (Will You Be There, Michael Jackson)

I wrote this in response to a call on Amiright for Michael Jackson parodies.  Will You Be There is probably my favorite of his songs, so I wanted to do something with it, and for some reason, the famous flagpole scene from A Christmas Story popped into my mind.  (Flick, who is verbally incapacitated throughout most of the song, is thinking his lines, while Schwartz and Ralphie and their teacher are speaking out loud.)

Triple Dog Dare

Schwartz: Dare you.

I double dare you.

Double dog dare you.

Triple dog dare!

Flick: Schoolyard

In the middle of winter.

My buddy is goading me.

Pretty poor friend!

Lousy Schwartz.

What game is he playing?

He’s pointing and saying,

“Triple dog dare!”

Schwartz: Dare you.

I double dare you.

(Flick: Why?)

Schwartz: Double dog dare you.

(Flick: Shut up!)

Schwartz: Triple dog dare!

(Flick: That’s so dumb!)

Schwartz: Dare you.

I double dare you.

Double dog dare you.

(Flick: So dumb, Schwartz!)

Schwartz: Triple dog dare!

Flick: Flagpole,

Imposing and icy.

My chances are dicey.

The guys are behind me.

They’re all staring.

They’ve gathered to mock me.

And me, I can’t talk because I took the dare,

And boy, was that stupid!

  

Schwartz: Dare you.

I double dare you.

(Flick: What?)

Schwartz: Double dog dare you.

Triple dog dare!

(Flick: That’s so dumb!)

Schwartz: Dare you.

I double dare you.

(Flick: Ugh...)

Schwartz: Double dog dare you.

Triple dog dare!

Flick: Help, ’cause I’ve got a flagpole on me!

Lost all my verbal control, you see.

Can’t say that it was my goal to be

Freezing cold and stuck.

I’m livid and unlucky!

Ralphie: Uh-oh.

(Flick: Ralphie!)

Ralphie: Looks like it’s frozen.

(Flick: Help me!)

Ralphie: School doors are closin’.

(Flick: Please!)

Ralphie: Look, Flick, I care.

(Flick: Weird way to show it!)

Ralphie: But... well...

(Flick: Well what?)

Ralphie: You hear the school bell.

(Flick: Yeah, who cares?)

Ralphie: Flick, if you can’t tell,

(Flick: Please!)

Ralphie: I’m feeling stressed.

(Flick: Gee, how do I feel?)

Schwartz: Ralphie...

(Flick: Hey, Schwartz...)

Schwartz: Look at ‘im flailing.

(Flick: You watch out!)

Schwartz: Hear how he’s wailing.

(Flick: Yeah...)

Schwartz: Ralphie, I’m scared.

(Flick: I’m gonna getcha!)

Flick: Save me!

(Schwartz: Sorry!)

Flick: I behaved bravely!

(Schwartz: Gotta run, gotta run...)

Flick: Why did you say to me,

“Triple dog dare?”

(Schwartz: Spare me your glare.)

Flick: Tricked me.

(Schwartz: See ya, Flick!)

Flick: Tricked me so coldly.

Nobody told me

(Ralphie: Bye!)

Flick: Life’s so unfair.

(Schwartz: Hang in there!)

Flick: Pull me.

(Schwartz: So...)

Flick: Try to unstick me.

(Schwartz: Any chance he’ll get loose?)

Flick: Get me off quickly!

(Ralphie: From the flagpole?  No chance.)

Flick: Boy, what a pair...

(Schwartz: What a dumb dare...)

Flick: Free me!

(Miss Shields: Class...)

Flick: Somebody, see me!

(Miss Shields: Wait, he’s where?  He’s out there?  How did that happen?)

Flick: Wanna feel steamy!

(Miss Shields: What a mess!)

Flick: Boy, I’m depressed...

(Miss Shields: Coming, Flick!)