Silly Toad (Take Me Home Country Roads, John Denver / Bill Danoff / Taffy Nivert)

Here is a parody... that isn't about LOST! Yes, I'm breaking out of my rut with a little Harry Potter. To the tune of John Denver's Take Me Home Country Roads, it focuses on Hermione's search for Neville's toad, Trevor, on the way to Hogwarts in Sorcerer's Stone. It's nice, I think, that these two were evidently each other's first friends at the school. They're both outcasts of sorts, on opposite ends of the spectrum; Hermione's a brilliant young witch born to Muggles, while Neville comes from a well-respected wizarding family but boasts very little magical ability, at least in the beginning. It's fortunate they found each other. Incidentally, writing this on an empty stomach and thinking about all those goodies from the Hogwarts Express refreshment cart has set my tummy rumbling...

Silly Toad

Where is Trevor? He was in our
Train compartment when we ate our dinner.
I must scold. Where could that scoundrel be?
Neville, you can count on lots of help from me.

Silly toad, why'd you roam?
Just obey Neville Longbottom's wishes.
Spare him trauma.
Why'd you roam, silly toad?

Neville's memory tends to flounder.
He'll get aid from this young Muggle daughter.
If he trusts me, if he's not too shy,
I am sure we'll soon find that small, slimy guy.

Silly toad, why'd you roam?
Just obey Neville Longbottom's wishes.
Spare him trauma.
Why'd you roam, silly toad?

We have no choice. If we search for him and call him,
Then maybe he'll be kind and let a croak guide our way.
Looking for a toad from floor to ceiling
Isn't how I planned to spend my day,
Spend my day...

Silly toad, why'd you roam?
Just obey Neville Longbottom's wishes.
Spare him trauma.
Why'd you roam, silly toad?

Silly toad, why'd you roam?
Just obey Neville Longbottom's wishes.
Spare him trauma.
Why'd you roam, silly toad?

Why'd you roam, silly toad?
Why'd you roam, silly toad?

Ugly Betty Waltz (America, Paul Simon)

One of my favorite shows this year has been Ugly Betty, the story of a sweet, spunky young woman who makes it in the vicious world of fashion magazines despite her very plain looks. America Ferrera creates a character ordinary girls can identify with and conveys the positive message that inner beauty is what's most important. I've missed a few episodes lately, but I'm hoping I can catch up before the season ends. This is one show I'll be glad to see again in the fall. Here's a tribute to Betty to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's America.

Ugly Betty Waltz

Let us discover the strength of a woman who's tethered,
Bound to a face that's immediately tagged,
In a haughty word, calamitous. Do haters realize
That we've come to look up to America?

Betty is frumpy, with ponchos and glasses, but with her,
Mode is a mag that can brag a lot now.
Splits her pay four ways, with nephew and sis and pa.
We all look up to America.

Laughing in her face
As she grins through her braces,
Marc won't admit that she has the most fabulous eyes.
Catty Amanda is bummed cuz she's working for Dan, her love.

We watch with interest. Though her predicament's painful,
Betty's the person who powers the show.
While her colleagues turn greener, she improves the magazine.
What a harvest her bold suggestions yield!

Betty's young boss has said that he wouldn't be keeping
His job if his aide wasn't right by his side.
Somehow the things that she does just turn out right.
We've come to look up to America.
We all look up to America.
We all look up to America.

That Little Car (This Old Guitar, John Denver)

I adore Herbie, that little VW with the 53 on the side who starred in several triumphantly corny movies. Not such a big fan of Jim Douglas, his arrogant owner. Here, with a little help from John Denver's This Old Guitar, I imagine him years into the future, reflecting upon the car that he gave up. He probably needn't feel too despondent, though; he may not be able to hang onto a woman for long, but somehow Herbie always seems to wind up back in his hands...

That Little Car

That little car helped me to win a trophy.
He showed me that I was a selfish guy.
He got me through the town in record time,
Beep-beeping all the way.
Who would have thought that Tennessee was right?
Oh, I was such a fool, for Tennessee was right.

That little car gave me a lovely lady,
Although her boss became my enemy.
I can't remember whether
He made us drift apart;
I'm guessing you can chalk that up to me.
What a bummer it was putting up with me.

That little car made me start really living.
Maybe I've backslid a time or two,
But every time I start to whine,
I recall that car with pride.
Herb, you were a driver's dream come true.
You were a driver's dream come true.
Yes, you were, you know,
You were a driver's dream come true.

Hunny in the Jar (Gilgarra Mountain, Traditional)

I recently listened to Gilgarra Mountain, Peter Yarrow's version of the Irish folk song Whiskey in the Jar, and the more I thought about it, the more I couldn't resist giving the beleaguered Rabbit a wistful narrative of his own. And since the very American Peter did it, Rabbit, too, has to adopt a bit of a brogue for this one. Enjoy!

Hunny in the Jar

As I was a-makin' meself breakfast one mornin',
I spotted Pooh Bear; he had come callin' with no warnin'.
First I drew the curtains; I hoped I could deceive him,
But the knock on me door betrayed to me he wasn't leavin'.

Oh, I won't get very far,
For Pooh is bound to know,
Yes, Pooh is bound to know
There's hunny in the jar.

He counted on me bein' a benevolent old bunny;
I grabbed me door to lock it and protect me precious hunny.
"There's no one home," I called in a voice all light and breezy,
For I figured foolin' Bears of Little Brain would be so easy.

Oh, I won't get very far,
For Pooh is bound to know,
Yes, Pooh is bound to know
There's hunny in the jar.

I stood there in me kitchen, afraid of what was comin'.
That bear was undeterred, seekin' smackerels of somethin',
And so he grasped the doorknob. Oh, I wish I would have fought 'im;
How could I have known he'd block my doorway with his bottom?

Oh, I won't get very far,
For Pooh is bound to know,
Yes, Pooh is bound to know
There's hunny in the jar.

Pooh Bear was burly enough upon arrivin',
And once he had me hunny, his pot-belly was thrivin'.
At last he finished eatin', and he got up from the table,
But alas, I was forsaken; departure was disabled.

Oh, I won't get very far,
For Pooh is bound to know,
Yes, Pooh is bound to know
There's hunny in the jar.

Me house became a jail. I'll admit I was frightened,
For every day that bear in me door seemed to tighten.
Oh, how desperately I wished that he wasn't quite so round;
He'd knock out the wall if he gained one more pound.

Oh, I won't get very far,
For Pooh is bound to know,
Yes, Pooh is bound to know
There's hunny in the jar.

I waited for another, that boy so wise and charmin'.
I frantically explained that I found this quite alarmin'.
He promised he would go and get some help. He wasn't lyin',
And we tugged and tugged that bear until he finally went flyin'.

Oh, I won't get very far,
For Pooh is bound to know,
Yes, Pooh is bound to know
There's hunny in the jar.

There's some takes delight in the haycorns and the thistles
And some takes delight in the chummy hums and whistles.
But I takes delight in me hunny, now securely
Locked up, nice and safe from the bears who visit early.

Oh, I won't get very far,
For Pooh is bound to know,
Yes, Pooh is bound to know
There's hunny in the jar.


Gilgarra Mountain

The Beagle and Woodstock (The Eagle and the Hawk, John Denver)

I love Peanuts, especially Snoopy and Woodstock. Here's a tribute to them to the tune of John Denver's The Eagle and the Hawk.

The Beagle and Woodstock

Snoopy: Oh, I am the beagle, I sit on my doghouse
And type tales that people will clamor to buy.

Woodstock: I am Woodstock, and I have yellow feathers.
I'm so small I tumble when I try to fly.
Although I am puny, my good buddy Snoopy sees
I'm a fantastically fun little guy.

Both: Come dance near that blond kid who fawns over Beethoven,
Skate on the birdbath, drink root beer in bars.
Friends since '67, we couldn't be cuter;
We may get paid peanuts, but we're the strip's stars.

Idol's Gonna Change the World (Across the Universe, Beatles)

Six seasons into American Idol, and I'm still shamefully hooked. So here's an ode to my favorite guilty pleasure, to the tune of the Beatles' Across the Universe.

Idol's Gonna Change the World

Singers wind around the streets for days until their number's up.
We giggle and we gasp, we wonder how they could get any worse.
Catty girls and bashful boys leave dreams of stardom far behind
In dizzy clouds of misery.
Great TV and then some,
Idol's gonna change the world,
Idol's gonna change the world.
Idol's gonna change the world,
Idol's gonna change the world.

Paula picks a petty fight with Simon; he is tactless, but he's wise,
And with acidic slights he speaks of slaughtered verse.
Incoherent Randy rambles. Ryan grins, the face of FOX
Who doesn't mind the jeers that come his way
And every year get worse.
Great TV and then some,
Idol's gonna change the world,
Idol's gonna change the world.
Idol's gonna change the world,
Idol's gonna change the world.

Coming after months of mirth from singing
Solely to amuse, the hand-picked few boast victory.
Nigel and his gang will shove a thousand tie-ins at us till they're done;
That day will come when they have emptied out my purse.
Great TV and then some,
Idol's gonna change the world,
Idol's gonna change the world.
Idol's gonna change the world,
Idol's gonna change the world.

Great TV and then some,
Great TV and then some,
Great TV and then some,
Great TV and then some,
Great TV and then some,
Great TV and then some.

Ode to the Ninja Turtles (Hazy Shade of Winter, Paul Simon)

I don't know if I'll catch the latest big-screen adventure of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while it's still in theaters, but I sure loved those heroes in a half-shell as a kid, so here's a tribute to them, to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's Hazy Shade of Winter.

Ode to the Ninja Turtles

Teens, teens, teens, foes of the Clan of Feet,
Love to lounge around beneath busy city streets
Chomping their favorite treats.

Deep underground,
They are found
With the wise, whiskered trainer they call Splinter.

On their heads they wear colored bands
With little holes for eyes.
It isn't much of a disguise.
It won't fool the clan,
But it sure helps out the fans.

Deep underground,
They are found
With the wise, whiskered trainer they call Splinter.

Raph is the reptile in red.
Often prone to falling prey
To bursts of rage, he starts each day,
It might well be said,
On the wrong side of the bed.

Leo's blue,
And he might
Lead the fight
With his sword that shines so bright.

Orange-clad Mikey's comedy
Is the height of hilarity.
"Cowabunga!" he shouts with glee
Whenever it's party time.

Purple Donatello sits
And makes the most of genius wits.
It suits him just fine
To draw up clever designs.

Deep underground,
They are found
With the wise, whiskered trainer they call Splinter.

Underground now,
So renowned,
Ninja Turtles sleep safe and sound.