It's a sad fact of life that the biggest fish always seem to get away, and always when nobody's watching... Here's one for the fishermen, to the tune of All I Know.
How Could I Let That Walleye Go?
I pulled him, he pulled me.
Pulled a bit too hard and he,
He got caught in the undertow...
How could I let that walleye go?
No one will believe it's true
That fish was as strong as two,
So strong I have no prize to show.
How could I let that walleye go?
When the fish is gone, let the tale live on...
In the tournament, I'll come in last,
Maybe snag a small-mouth bass.
I'll wonder, dreaming of my fell foe,
"How could I let that walleye go?"
When the fish is gone, let the tale live on.
Had a fine time sitting in that boat since dawn,
And if they had seen us fight, how my friends would fawn.
In the tournament, I'll come in last,
Maybe snag a small-mouth bass.
I'll wonder, dreaming of my fell foe,
"How could I let that walleye go,
That walleye go, that walleye go..."
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Meet the Nerds (Feed the Birds, Robert and Richard Sherman)
Here's a combination of two of my favorite things: Mary Poppins (Feed the Birds in particular) and Star Trek!
Meet the Nerds
Late in the day, the convention is still
A-bustle with Trekkers galore.
They have come a long way in the hopes that they will
Meet with the crew they adore.
Some of the little nerds
Clutch teddy bears
Wearing a uniform shirt.
They've practiced the Vulcan
Salute with great care.
Have a heart. Don't treat them like dirt.
Meet the nerds, Leonard Nimoy
And Bill Shatner. Don't be annoyed.
Meet the nerds, poor geeky guys
With pointy ears and visor-clad eyes.
All around the convention the red-shirts and Klingons
Line up just to shake your hands.
Please don't try to flee it.
Keep signing and smiling.
It means everything to those fans.
Though you hate when they question you
On things of which you haven't a clue,
Meet the nerds, Leonard Nimoy
And Bill Shatner. Don't be annoyed.
Though you hate when they question you
On things of which you haven't a clue,
Meet the nerds, Leonard Nimoy
And Bill Shatner. Don't be annoyed.
Meet the Nerds
Late in the day, the convention is still
A-bustle with Trekkers galore.
They have come a long way in the hopes that they will
Meet with the crew they adore.
Some of the little nerds
Clutch teddy bears
Wearing a uniform shirt.
They've practiced the Vulcan
Salute with great care.
Have a heart. Don't treat them like dirt.
Meet the nerds, Leonard Nimoy
And Bill Shatner. Don't be annoyed.
Meet the nerds, poor geeky guys
With pointy ears and visor-clad eyes.
All around the convention the red-shirts and Klingons
Line up just to shake your hands.
Please don't try to flee it.
Keep signing and smiling.
It means everything to those fans.
Though you hate when they question you
On things of which you haven't a clue,
Meet the nerds, Leonard Nimoy
And Bill Shatner. Don't be annoyed.
Though you hate when they question you
On things of which you haven't a clue,
Meet the nerds, Leonard Nimoy
And Bill Shatner. Don't be annoyed.
Sullivan (Harrigan, George M. Cohan)
I finally started watching season four of Smallville, and I am pumped! Annoyingly, though, this is the season that marks the debut of Lois Lane. I like her cousin Chloe ever so much better. Why couldn't Clark fall for her instead? Here's a little rant by her, circa the end of season two, to the tune of Harrigan.
Sullivan
Who always bends over backwards to be your friend?
Sullivan, that's me!
Who is the gal wishing you would just get a clue?
Sullivan, that's me!
You frustrate me, Farm Boy. Why can't you see
I always will love you devotedly?
Who is in love with the flannel-clad superman?
Sullivan, that's me!
S - U - double L - I - V - A- N spells Sullivan.
Wishing someday you would really see me.
You're my best friend but I still think you're dreamy.
S - U - double L - I - V - A - N, you see.
It's a shame that my name's not the one that you dream about.
Sullivan, that's me!
Who is the girl getting chummy with Lionel?
Sullivan, that's me!
Who thinks that you have a secret that you won't tell?
Sullivan, that's me!
I'm curious, Clark, and can you blame me?
You're just as tight-lipped as a boy can be.
Who'd help a Luthor to investigate the truth?
Sullivan, that's me!
S - U - double L - I - V - A- N spells Sullivan.
Wishing someday you would really see me.
You're my best friend but I still think you're dreamy.
S - U - double L - I - V - A - N, you see.
It's a shame that my name's not the one that you dream about.
Sullivan, that's me!
Sullivan
Who always bends over backwards to be your friend?
Sullivan, that's me!
Who is the gal wishing you would just get a clue?
Sullivan, that's me!
You frustrate me, Farm Boy. Why can't you see
I always will love you devotedly?
Who is in love with the flannel-clad superman?
Sullivan, that's me!
S - U - double L - I - V - A- N spells Sullivan.
Wishing someday you would really see me.
You're my best friend but I still think you're dreamy.
S - U - double L - I - V - A - N, you see.
It's a shame that my name's not the one that you dream about.
Sullivan, that's me!
Who is the girl getting chummy with Lionel?
Sullivan, that's me!
Who thinks that you have a secret that you won't tell?
Sullivan, that's me!
I'm curious, Clark, and can you blame me?
You're just as tight-lipped as a boy can be.
Who'd help a Luthor to investigate the truth?
Sullivan, that's me!
S - U - double L - I - V - A- N spells Sullivan.
Wishing someday you would really see me.
You're my best friend but I still think you're dreamy.
S - U - double L - I - V - A - N, you see.
It's a shame that my name's not the one that you dream about.
Sullivan, that's me!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Goin' to See Pooh (Goin' to the Zoo, Tom Paxton)
I actually managed to mention all ten major characters in this one. Here's one about Pooh and his friends to the tune of Goin' to the Zoo.
Goin' to See Pooh
Piglet's gonna go visit Pooh tomorrow,
Pooh tomorrow, Pooh tomorrow.
Piglet's gonna go visit Pooh tomorrow,
And they will play all day.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
They see grinning Tigger, his long tail bouncin',
Great big stripes and his long tail bouncin',
Only one like him with his long tail bouncin',
And they will play all day.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
Gopher's nearby and he's dig, dig, diggin',
Wearin' a helmet, dig, dig, diggin',
If they fall in that hole he's diggin',
Then they can't play all day!
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
There's a big black cloud over gloomy old Eeyore.
His tail is gone again, poor gloomy old Eeyore.
When they find it for gloomy old Eeyore,
Then they can play all day.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
Owl flies in the sky while yak, yak, yakkin',
Usin' big words and yak, yak, yakkin'
Soarin' over Rabbit, yak, yak, yakkin'
Until they sneak away.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
Well, they played all day, and Pooh's gettin' hungry.
Rumbly in his tumbly, he's hun, hun, hungry.
Wants some hunny cuz he's hun, hun, hungry.
He asks his friend to stay.
He went to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
So did Roo, Roo, Roo.
Kanga too, too, too.
They went to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
Christopher is off to see Pooh tomorrow,
Pooh tomorrow, Pooh tomorrow.
Christopher is off to see Pooh tomorrow,
And they can play all day.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
Goin' to See Pooh
Piglet's gonna go visit Pooh tomorrow,
Pooh tomorrow, Pooh tomorrow.
Piglet's gonna go visit Pooh tomorrow,
And they will play all day.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
They see grinning Tigger, his long tail bouncin',
Great big stripes and his long tail bouncin',
Only one like him with his long tail bouncin',
And they will play all day.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
Gopher's nearby and he's dig, dig, diggin',
Wearin' a helmet, dig, dig, diggin',
If they fall in that hole he's diggin',
Then they can't play all day!
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
There's a big black cloud over gloomy old Eeyore.
His tail is gone again, poor gloomy old Eeyore.
When they find it for gloomy old Eeyore,
Then they can play all day.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
Owl flies in the sky while yak, yak, yakkin',
Usin' big words and yak, yak, yakkin'
Soarin' over Rabbit, yak, yak, yakkin'
Until they sneak away.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
Well, they played all day, and Pooh's gettin' hungry.
Rumbly in his tumbly, he's hun, hun, hungry.
Wants some hunny cuz he's hun, hun, hungry.
He asks his friend to stay.
He went to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
So did Roo, Roo, Roo.
Kanga too, too, too.
They went to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
Christopher is off to see Pooh tomorrow,
Pooh tomorrow, Pooh tomorrow.
Christopher is off to see Pooh tomorrow,
And they can play all day.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh,
And Kanga and Roo, Roo, Roo
Might stop over too, too, too.
He's goin' to see Pooh, Pooh, Pooh.
The Neverland Carol (The Cherry Tree Carol, Traditional)
Here's another parody about Peter Pan, to the tune of The Cherry Tree Carol.
The Neverland Carol
When Peter was a young man, a young man was he,
He came upon a fairy and flew across the sea.
He came upon a fairy and flew across the sea.
On the island where he landed - fair Neverland so green -
There were lost boys and pirates, and he remained a teen.
There were lost boys and pirates, and he remained a teen.
Then Wendy said to Peter, who had her beguiled,
"Peter, won't you come back with me? I cannot stay a child.
Peter, won't you come back with me? I cannot stay a child."
Then Peter flew in anger, in anger flew he.
"You can go ahead and grow up, but you won't be taking me!
You can go ahead and grow up, but you won't be taking me!"
Then up spoke little Tootles in evening's pale gloom,
"But I would like to have my own mother and a home.
But I would like to have my own mother and a home."
So he sprinkled them with dust. As they parted ways,
She said, "Remember, Peter, to come back for me someday!"
She said, "Remember, Peter, to come back for me someday!"
When Peter was a young man, a young man was he,
He came upon a fairy and flew across the sea.
He came upon a fairy and flew across the sea.
The Neverland Carol
When Peter was a young man, a young man was he,
He came upon a fairy and flew across the sea.
He came upon a fairy and flew across the sea.
On the island where he landed - fair Neverland so green -
There were lost boys and pirates, and he remained a teen.
There were lost boys and pirates, and he remained a teen.
Then Wendy said to Peter, who had her beguiled,
"Peter, won't you come back with me? I cannot stay a child.
Peter, won't you come back with me? I cannot stay a child."
Then Peter flew in anger, in anger flew he.
"You can go ahead and grow up, but you won't be taking me!
You can go ahead and grow up, but you won't be taking me!"
Then up spoke little Tootles in evening's pale gloom,
"But I would like to have my own mother and a home.
But I would like to have my own mother and a home."
So he sprinkled them with dust. As they parted ways,
She said, "Remember, Peter, to come back for me someday!"
She said, "Remember, Peter, to come back for me someday!"
When Peter was a young man, a young man was he,
He came upon a fairy and flew across the sea.
He came upon a fairy and flew across the sea.
Where Has All the Pipe-Weed Gone? (Where Have All the Flowers Gone, Pete Seeger / Joe Hickerson)
I wrote this one a while back and wasn't going to post it because, as you can see if you are familiar with Where Have All the Flowers Gone?, I didn't change much. But then I figured... Eh, why not?
Where Has All the Pipe-Weed Gone?
Where has all the pipe-weed gone, long time passing?
Where has all the pipe-weed gone, long time ago?
Where has all the pipe-weed gone?
Hobbits made smoke rings, one by one.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where have all the hobbits gone, long time passing?
Where have all the hobbits gone, long time ago?
Where have all the hobbits gone?
Chased by Riders, every one.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where have all the Riders gone, long time passing?
Where have all the Riders gone, long time ago?
Where have all the Riders gone?
Back to Sauron, every one
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where's the Dark Lord Sauron gone, long time passing?
Where's the Dark Lord Sauron gone, long time ago?
Where's the Dark Lord Sauron gone?
He's an eye bright as the sun.
Oh, when will he ever learn?
Oh, when will he ever learn?
Where have all the sun's rays gone, long time passing?
Where have all the sun's rays gone, long time ago?
Where have all the sun's rays gone?
Gone to pipe-weed, every one.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where has all the pipe-weed gone, long time passing?
Where has all the pipe-weed gone, long time ago?
Where has all the pipe-weed gone?
Hobbits made smoke rings, one by one.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where Has All the Pipe-Weed Gone?
Where has all the pipe-weed gone, long time passing?
Where has all the pipe-weed gone, long time ago?
Where has all the pipe-weed gone?
Hobbits made smoke rings, one by one.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where have all the hobbits gone, long time passing?
Where have all the hobbits gone, long time ago?
Where have all the hobbits gone?
Chased by Riders, every one.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where have all the Riders gone, long time passing?
Where have all the Riders gone, long time ago?
Where have all the Riders gone?
Back to Sauron, every one
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where's the Dark Lord Sauron gone, long time passing?
Where's the Dark Lord Sauron gone, long time ago?
Where's the Dark Lord Sauron gone?
He's an eye bright as the sun.
Oh, when will he ever learn?
Oh, when will he ever learn?
Where have all the sun's rays gone, long time passing?
Where have all the sun's rays gone, long time ago?
Where have all the sun's rays gone?
Gone to pipe-weed, every one.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Where has all the pipe-weed gone, long time passing?
Where has all the pipe-weed gone, long time ago?
Where has all the pipe-weed gone?
Hobbits made smoke rings, one by one.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Eeyore (My Girl, Smokey Robinson / Ronald White)
Here's a little ode to that perpetually gloomy, sometimes sardonic donkey who lives in the Hundred Acre Wood, to the tune of My Girl.
Eeyore
He's got rain clouds
On a sunny day.
When it's bright outside,
His world is cold and gray.
Well, I guess you'd say,
"Who's the one who feels this way?"
Eeyore. (Eeyore, Eeyore)
Talkin' 'bout Eeyore. (Eeyore)
He does not like honey.
He craves solitude,
And you would not be wrong
If you said he was rude.
Well, I guess you'd say,
"Who's the one who feels this way?"
Eeyore. (Eeyore, Eeyore)
Talkin' 'bout Eeyore. (Eeyore)
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Oooooh...
All he needs is thistles,
His tiny shack
And, whenever it falls off him,
The tail on his back.
Well, I guess you'd say,
"Who's the one who feels this way?"
Eeyore. (Eeyore, Eeyore)
Talkin' 'bout Eeyore. (Eeyore)
Talkin' 'bout Eeyore.
He's got rain clouds on a sunny day.
Poor Eeyore.
But I still love him anyway. He's Eeyore...
Eeyore
He's got rain clouds
On a sunny day.
When it's bright outside,
His world is cold and gray.
Well, I guess you'd say,
"Who's the one who feels this way?"
Eeyore. (Eeyore, Eeyore)
Talkin' 'bout Eeyore. (Eeyore)
He does not like honey.
He craves solitude,
And you would not be wrong
If you said he was rude.
Well, I guess you'd say,
"Who's the one who feels this way?"
Eeyore. (Eeyore, Eeyore)
Talkin' 'bout Eeyore. (Eeyore)
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Oooooh...
All he needs is thistles,
His tiny shack
And, whenever it falls off him,
The tail on his back.
Well, I guess you'd say,
"Who's the one who feels this way?"
Eeyore. (Eeyore, Eeyore)
Talkin' 'bout Eeyore. (Eeyore)
Talkin' 'bout Eeyore.
He's got rain clouds on a sunny day.
Poor Eeyore.
But I still love him anyway. He's Eeyore...
Monday, August 28, 2006
Little Maggie (Maggie May, Rod Stewart)
Does it ever occur to the Simpsons that they've been suspended in time for close to 20 years? What a curious situation... Here is an ode to the littlest Simpson from the perspective of Marge, to the tune of Maggie May.
Little Maggie
Little Maggie, why don't you have something to say to me?
Seems like forever since you got here, but apparently
You simply flat-out refuse to reach those terrible twos.
Oh, Maggie, why don't you get up off the floor?
You crawl all around our home. What you're thinking is always unknown.
You're still a baby; I think that's absurd.
Oh, when I look at your tiny face, you seem the right age,
But I'm sure that we have done so many exciting things,
This must be some kind of hoax, one of Bart's elaborate jokes!
Oh, Maggie, you should be two or three or four!
You crawl all around our home. What you're thinking is always unknown.
You are the oldest baby ever, without a doubt!
You repeatedly make friends and lend a pacifier
To whoever's having trouble and
On the double troubles sort themselves out.
You're too small to have a bed.
I wish I knew what was inside your head!
Oh, Maggie, do you think I should just ignore
That you crawl around our home? What you're thinking is always unknown.
You've never spoken to me. Goodness knows I've tried!
I suppose that I could take a look at putting you in school,
But when I look at you, I think that if I did I'd be a fool.
Red pacifier, baby blue gown, hair like a golden crown...
Oh, Maggie, you're small but you are full of grace.
You're as dependent as you can be,
But I suppose that's okay with me.
You're still a baby; I love you anyway.
Maggie, you're small but you are full of grace.
You will speak your mind one of these days.
Little Maggie
Little Maggie, why don't you have something to say to me?
Seems like forever since you got here, but apparently
You simply flat-out refuse to reach those terrible twos.
Oh, Maggie, why don't you get up off the floor?
You crawl all around our home. What you're thinking is always unknown.
You're still a baby; I think that's absurd.
Oh, when I look at your tiny face, you seem the right age,
But I'm sure that we have done so many exciting things,
This must be some kind of hoax, one of Bart's elaborate jokes!
Oh, Maggie, you should be two or three or four!
You crawl all around our home. What you're thinking is always unknown.
You are the oldest baby ever, without a doubt!
You repeatedly make friends and lend a pacifier
To whoever's having trouble and
On the double troubles sort themselves out.
You're too small to have a bed.
I wish I knew what was inside your head!
Oh, Maggie, do you think I should just ignore
That you crawl around our home? What you're thinking is always unknown.
You've never spoken to me. Goodness knows I've tried!
I suppose that I could take a look at putting you in school,
But when I look at you, I think that if I did I'd be a fool.
Red pacifier, baby blue gown, hair like a golden crown...
Oh, Maggie, you're small but you are full of grace.
You're as dependent as you can be,
But I suppose that's okay with me.
You're still a baby; I love you anyway.
Maggie, you're small but you are full of grace.
You will speak your mind one of these days.
Squirrel Watcher (Girl Watcher, The O'Kaysions)
Dogs love to chase squirrels, and I don't blame them. Critters don't get much more cunning than those bushy-tailed nut gatherers. Here's a little ditty to the tune of the O'Kaysions' Girl Watcher.
Squirrel Watcher
I'm a squirrel watcher, I'm a squirrel watcher.
Watchin' squirrels go by. My, my my...
I'm a squirrel watcher, I'm a squirrel watcher.
Here comes one now!
I was just a pup when I happened to look up
And see a big, bushy tail flicker.
I saw that furry face, and I couldn't wait to race.
But those darn things are always quicker!
I'm a squirrel watcher, I'm a squirrel watcher.
Watchin' squirrels go by. My, my my...
I'm a squirrel watcher, I'm a squirrel watcher.
Here comes one now!
I love chasing cats and sometimes will stoop to rats,
Chipmunks, mice, little birds and rabbits,
But those nutty squirrels are my favorite in the world,
And I can't seem to kick the habit!
Squirrel Watcher
I'm a squirrel watcher, I'm a squirrel watcher.
Watchin' squirrels go by. My, my my...
I'm a squirrel watcher, I'm a squirrel watcher.
Here comes one now!
I was just a pup when I happened to look up
And see a big, bushy tail flicker.
I saw that furry face, and I couldn't wait to race.
But those darn things are always quicker!
I'm a squirrel watcher, I'm a squirrel watcher.
Watchin' squirrels go by. My, my my...
I'm a squirrel watcher, I'm a squirrel watcher.
Here comes one now!
I love chasing cats and sometimes will stoop to rats,
Chipmunks, mice, little birds and rabbits,
But those nutty squirrels are my favorite in the world,
And I can't seem to kick the habit!
Inconceivable (Unforgettable, Irving Gordon)
Poor Vizzini... Inigo's keen powers of observation just keep blasting holes in his perfect plan. Here's another Princess Bride parody, to the tune of Unforgettable.
Inconceivable
Inconceivable! That's what this is.
Inconceivable those arms of his
Grabbed the cliff and still can cling to it.
That word has such a nice ring to it...
Never before has something been more
Inconceivable in every way.
Inigo, believe me when I say
This princess is not retrievable!
Her rescue is inconceivable.
You should think it's inconceivable too!
Inconceivable
Inconceivable! That's what this is.
Inconceivable those arms of his
Grabbed the cliff and still can cling to it.
That word has such a nice ring to it...
Never before has something been more
Inconceivable in every way.
Inigo, believe me when I say
This princess is not retrievable!
Her rescue is inconceivable.
You should think it's inconceivable too!
Still Lazy After All These Years (Still Crazy After All These Years, Paul Simon)
Most of us are lazy slobs once in a while. Here's to the ones who are more often than not, to the tune of Still Crazy After All These Years.
Still Lazy After All These Years
A microwave oven
Cooks my meals at night.
I eat while I watch TV
For a while.
I don't leave my neighborhood. I'm
Inclined to guzzle beers.
Still lazy after all these years.
Oh, still lazy after all these years.
I am the kind of man
Who lives on greasy fries.
I've never been to
The YMCA.
Yeah, cuz exercise takes too long,
And everybody jeers.
Still lazy after all these years.
Oh, still lazy after all these years.
I know I'm boring.
Keep ignoring
Me; I like it that way.
I'm in no hurry.
I just lie
On my couch all day.
If you peek in my window,
You will see me for
A loser, but it's how I
Want to stay
Till the day I get evicted
Cuz there's trash up to my ears.
Still lazy after all these years.
Oh, still lazy
Still lazy
Still lazy after all these years.
Still Lazy After All These Years
A microwave oven
Cooks my meals at night.
I eat while I watch TV
For a while.
I don't leave my neighborhood. I'm
Inclined to guzzle beers.
Still lazy after all these years.
Oh, still lazy after all these years.
I am the kind of man
Who lives on greasy fries.
I've never been to
The YMCA.
Yeah, cuz exercise takes too long,
And everybody jeers.
Still lazy after all these years.
Oh, still lazy after all these years.
I know I'm boring.
Keep ignoring
Me; I like it that way.
I'm in no hurry.
I just lie
On my couch all day.
If you peek in my window,
You will see me for
A loser, but it's how I
Want to stay
Till the day I get evicted
Cuz there's trash up to my ears.
Still lazy after all these years.
Oh, still lazy
Still lazy
Still lazy after all these years.
Sassin' You (Aspenglow, John Denver)
I'm going back to work in a seasonal kiosk next week, so Christmas is beginning to seep into my consciousness. Aspenglow is one of my favorite somewhat unconventional Christmas songs. I feel bad because this is the second tender John Denver song I've turned into a whiny kid's rant, but I guess that's just the way it worked out...
Sassin' You
See me acting out of line.
Listen to the way I whine.
When will you guys get a clue?
I'm not through sassin' you.
Aggravation is my goal.
I am only ten years old,
But I know just what to do.
I'm not through sassin' you.
What a lousy life I live!
There's so much that you should give.
If you don't, I might just leave.
There's so much I should receive!
I won't let you try to ground.
Screams will be the only sound.
If you touch me, I will sue!
I'm not through sassin' you.
See me acting out of line.
Listen to the way I whine.
When will you guys get a clue?
I'm not through sassin' you.
I'm not through sassin' you.
Sassin' You
See me acting out of line.
Listen to the way I whine.
When will you guys get a clue?
I'm not through sassin' you.
Aggravation is my goal.
I am only ten years old,
But I know just what to do.
I'm not through sassin' you.
What a lousy life I live!
There's so much that you should give.
If you don't, I might just leave.
There's so much I should receive!
I won't let you try to ground.
Screams will be the only sound.
If you touch me, I will sue!
I'm not through sassin' you.
See me acting out of line.
Listen to the way I whine.
When will you guys get a clue?
I'm not through sassin' you.
I'm not through sassin' you.
On The Late Show (In the Ghetto, Mac Davis)
Sometimes I think David Letterman must be nuts. But I sure do like him. Here's a little ode to The Late Show to the tune of In the Ghetto.
On The Late Show
It is unwise,
On a bright and sunny New York day, to
Gawk in the street several feet away
From The Late Show.
You could be surprised
By a melon or a can of glue
That falls from the roof and lands right next to you
On The Late Show.
People are so quick to stand
In line to see Letterman,
And they're convinced that if they're patient, they'll find a way.
Take a look at Rupert Gee,
Who is content to be
Stuck on the receiving end
Of Dave's dumb jokes each day.
And the interns
Do so many silly things, only Heaven knows
Why this position is one they chose
On The Late Show.
Though we quickly learn
That it isn't really filmed at night,
It has massive appeal,
So we think it's all right.
It's The Late Show.
Paul has been an inspiration;
That fella sure can play.
That clever man gets my vote
With Stump the Band and Will it Float?
Love his snazzy ties...
Before long, it will be time for the Top Ten,
Then some famous guests will enchant us again
On The Late Show.
Alan Kalter cries
That New York's the best city on the planet.
That's where they film good ol' Dave Letterman
On The Late Show.
On The Late Show
It is unwise,
On a bright and sunny New York day, to
Gawk in the street several feet away
From The Late Show.
You could be surprised
By a melon or a can of glue
That falls from the roof and lands right next to you
On The Late Show.
People are so quick to stand
In line to see Letterman,
And they're convinced that if they're patient, they'll find a way.
Take a look at Rupert Gee,
Who is content to be
Stuck on the receiving end
Of Dave's dumb jokes each day.
And the interns
Do so many silly things, only Heaven knows
Why this position is one they chose
On The Late Show.
Though we quickly learn
That it isn't really filmed at night,
It has massive appeal,
So we think it's all right.
It's The Late Show.
Paul has been an inspiration;
That fella sure can play.
That clever man gets my vote
With Stump the Band and Will it Float?
Love his snazzy ties...
Before long, it will be time for the Top Ten,
Then some famous guests will enchant us again
On The Late Show.
Alan Kalter cries
That New York's the best city on the planet.
That's where they film good ol' Dave Letterman
On The Late Show.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
This Song Is Gonna Be a Drag (Over and Over, Bobby Day)
This one's along the same lines as my Gary Puckett parody. Dad and I used to listen to Erie's oldies station in the car a lot, and whenever the Dave Clark Five's Over and Over came on, he'd say "This song is gonna be a drag..."
This Song is Gonna Be a Drag
Ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm.
Well, when I turned the radio on last night,
They were playing Dave Clark Five.
I said over and over and over again,
This song is gonna be a drag.
I said over and over and over again,
This song is gonna be a drag.
I said over and over and over again,
This song is gonna be a drag.
Ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm.
Don't know how it happened,
The dumbest song in the world
Has now seeped into my consciousness and tortured me.
I'm a sad girl.
It's now seeped into my consciousness and tortured me.
I'm a sad girl.
It's now seeped into my consciousness and tortured me.
I'm a sad girl.
Ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm.
I am very sorry
That I turned that thing off too late.
There's no debate, no debate, no debate, no debate
It's a song I hate.
There's no debate, no debate, no debate, no debate
It's a song I hate.
There's no debate, no debate, no debate, no debate
It's a song I hate.
Ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm.
This Song is Gonna Be a Drag
Ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm.
Well, when I turned the radio on last night,
They were playing Dave Clark Five.
I said over and over and over again,
This song is gonna be a drag.
I said over and over and over again,
This song is gonna be a drag.
I said over and over and over again,
This song is gonna be a drag.
Ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm.
Don't know how it happened,
The dumbest song in the world
Has now seeped into my consciousness and tortured me.
I'm a sad girl.
It's now seeped into my consciousness and tortured me.
I'm a sad girl.
It's now seeped into my consciousness and tortured me.
I'm a sad girl.
Ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm.
I am very sorry
That I turned that thing off too late.
There's no debate, no debate, no debate, no debate
It's a song I hate.
There's no debate, no debate, no debate, no debate
It's a song I hate.
There's no debate, no debate, no debate, no debate
It's a song I hate.
Ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm, ah-mmm.
Playing the Tuba (Baby Beluga, Raffi)
The football season is approaching fast, so here is an ode to marching bands to the tune of Baby Beluga.
Playing the Tuba
Playing the tuba on the field for free,
Helping my team to victory,
Oh, how I love the autumnal glow
As our little band puts on a show.
Playing the tuba,
Oh, playing the tuba
In my uniform.
When the weather's warm,
It makes me happy...
Watch in wonder as we march and play.
We have practiced this every day.
When we're on, give a lusty shout.
Marching band is what this game's all about.
Playing the tuba,
Oh, playing the tuba.
Listen to our song.
At the least, pretend
You like to hear us.
Playing the tuba on the field for free,
Helping my team to victory,
Oh, how I love the autumnal glow
As our little band puts on a show.
When it's dark and you've been fed
Pop and hot dogs, you'll stare ahead
Till the game ends and we all file out.
Good night, all you fans, good night.
Playing the tuba,
Oh, playing the tuba.
It's a lot of fun.
Another game's been won
My legs are aching...
Playing the Tuba
Playing the tuba on the field for free,
Helping my team to victory,
Oh, how I love the autumnal glow
As our little band puts on a show.
Playing the tuba,
Oh, playing the tuba
In my uniform.
When the weather's warm,
It makes me happy...
Watch in wonder as we march and play.
We have practiced this every day.
When we're on, give a lusty shout.
Marching band is what this game's all about.
Playing the tuba,
Oh, playing the tuba.
Listen to our song.
At the least, pretend
You like to hear us.
Playing the tuba on the field for free,
Helping my team to victory,
Oh, how I love the autumnal glow
As our little band puts on a show.
When it's dark and you've been fed
Pop and hot dogs, you'll stare ahead
Till the game ends and we all file out.
Good night, all you fans, good night.
Playing the tuba,
Oh, playing the tuba.
It's a lot of fun.
Another game's been won
My legs are aching...
Friday, August 18, 2006
Don't Give Up, Buttercup (Build Me Up Buttercup, Mike d'Abo / Tony Macaulay)
Writing about Inigo Montoya got me on a Princess Bride kick, so here's an ode to Buttercup by Westley just before he finds her, to the tune of Build Me Up, Buttercup.
Don't Give Up, Buttercup
When this adventure's up (when it's up),
Buttercup, maybe
We can settle down (settle down).
This Humperdink clown
Will be forced to fall (forced to fall).
I have a tall
Ship we can escape to. Will (Baby, will)
You go with me still?
I've been true (I've been true),
For it's as you wish, darlin'.
I know how long we've been apart,
But don't give up (don't give up), Buttercup;
You have my heart.
"Please beware of masked men,"
I told you time and again,
But it's me! Do you remember when
You looked through that door
And, although I was poor,
You said true
Love bound us till the end?
Hey, hey, hey!
Won't you wait? You're on my mind.
Hey, hey, hey!
And when I find you I will be happy.
All alone, from sea to swamp to stone,
I've searched for you.
Oooooh, ooooooh...
When this adventure's up (when it's up),
Buttercup, maybe
We can settle down (settle down).
This Humperdink clown
Will be forced to fall (forced to fall).
I have a tall
Ship we can escape to. Will (Baby, will)
You go with me still?
I've been true (I've been true),
For it's as you wish, darlin'.
I know how long we've been apart,
But don't give up (don't give up), Buttercup;
You have my heart.
You brought me joy
When I was a farm boy.
I implore you not to let me go.
For years, I'm sure you
Thought me dead. It's not true,
And I'm more in love than you could know.
Hey, hey, hey!
Won't you wait? You're on my mind.
Hey, hey, hey!
And when I find you I will be happy.
All alone, from sea to swamp to stone,
I've searched for you.
Oooooh, ooooooh...
When this adventure's up (when it's up),
Buttercup, maybe
We can settle down (settle down).
This Humperdink clown
Will be forced to fall (forced to fall).
I have a tall
Ship we can escape to. Will (Baby, will)
You go with me still?
I've been true (I've been true),
For it's as you wish, darlin'.
I know how long we've been apart,
But don't give up (don't give up), Buttercup;
You have my heart.
I've been true,
For it's as you wish, baby.
I know how long we've been apart,
But don't give up (don't give up), Buttercup;
You have my heart.
Don't Give Up, Buttercup
When this adventure's up (when it's up),
Buttercup, maybe
We can settle down (settle down).
This Humperdink clown
Will be forced to fall (forced to fall).
I have a tall
Ship we can escape to. Will (Baby, will)
You go with me still?
I've been true (I've been true),
For it's as you wish, darlin'.
I know how long we've been apart,
But don't give up (don't give up), Buttercup;
You have my heart.
"Please beware of masked men,"
I told you time and again,
But it's me! Do you remember when
You looked through that door
And, although I was poor,
You said true
Love bound us till the end?
Hey, hey, hey!
Won't you wait? You're on my mind.
Hey, hey, hey!
And when I find you I will be happy.
All alone, from sea to swamp to stone,
I've searched for you.
Oooooh, ooooooh...
When this adventure's up (when it's up),
Buttercup, maybe
We can settle down (settle down).
This Humperdink clown
Will be forced to fall (forced to fall).
I have a tall
Ship we can escape to. Will (Baby, will)
You go with me still?
I've been true (I've been true),
For it's as you wish, darlin'.
I know how long we've been apart,
But don't give up (don't give up), Buttercup;
You have my heart.
You brought me joy
When I was a farm boy.
I implore you not to let me go.
For years, I'm sure you
Thought me dead. It's not true,
And I'm more in love than you could know.
Hey, hey, hey!
Won't you wait? You're on my mind.
Hey, hey, hey!
And when I find you I will be happy.
All alone, from sea to swamp to stone,
I've searched for you.
Oooooh, ooooooh...
When this adventure's up (when it's up),
Buttercup, maybe
We can settle down (settle down).
This Humperdink clown
Will be forced to fall (forced to fall).
I have a tall
Ship we can escape to. Will (Baby, will)
You go with me still?
I've been true (I've been true),
For it's as you wish, darlin'.
I know how long we've been apart,
But don't give up (don't give up), Buttercup;
You have my heart.
I've been true,
For it's as you wish, baby.
I know how long we've been apart,
But don't give up (don't give up), Buttercup;
You have my heart.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
My Face Is Burning (A Church Is Burning, Paul Simon)
It's been really sunny here. Which is good, unless you happen to be out in the sun for hours at a time with no protection, as I was a couple weeks ago when I went to the Erie Air Show. I imagine this is a problem for a lot of people, and it seems like teenagers are especially inclined to wind up burnt... Anyway, here's a summery parody of Simon and Garfunkel's A Church is Burning.
My Face is Burning
My face is burning.
My skin grows brighter
Because I am playing
When the sun is high.
Because I am playing,
My red face is saying
If I don't come prepared,
I'll be burnt as can be.
Three-seventeen. I'm determined to keep
Going with the game, though the penalty is steep.
When I was home only hours before,
My mother warned me and
Tried to adorn me with
Sunblock, but I made a dash for the door.
My face is burning.
My skin grows brighter
Because I am playing
When the sun is high.
Because I am playing,
My red face is saying
If I don't come prepared,
I'll be burnt as can be.
Three-seventeen, and I'm still in the park.
I am troubled by the sight of my pigment growing dark.
I should have heeded her warning, but the fourth quarter remains,
And if I left now then I would have to forfeit the whole game.
My face is burning.
My skin grows brighter
Because I am playing
When the sun is high.
Because I am playing,
My red face is saying
If I don't come prepared,
I'll be burnt as can be.
When I go home, I will grumble and groan.
I'll blame my mom for letting me come out here all alone.
But I'm playing right now, so I guess that I can stand
Growing lobster-like with each tick of the second hand.
My face is burning.
My skin grows brighter
Because I am playing
When the sun is high.
Because I am playing,
My red face is saying
If I don't come prepared,
I'll be burnt as can be.
My Face is Burning
My face is burning.
My skin grows brighter
Because I am playing
When the sun is high.
Because I am playing,
My red face is saying
If I don't come prepared,
I'll be burnt as can be.
Three-seventeen. I'm determined to keep
Going with the game, though the penalty is steep.
When I was home only hours before,
My mother warned me and
Tried to adorn me with
Sunblock, but I made a dash for the door.
My face is burning.
My skin grows brighter
Because I am playing
When the sun is high.
Because I am playing,
My red face is saying
If I don't come prepared,
I'll be burnt as can be.
Three-seventeen, and I'm still in the park.
I am troubled by the sight of my pigment growing dark.
I should have heeded her warning, but the fourth quarter remains,
And if I left now then I would have to forfeit the whole game.
My face is burning.
My skin grows brighter
Because I am playing
When the sun is high.
Because I am playing,
My red face is saying
If I don't come prepared,
I'll be burnt as can be.
When I go home, I will grumble and groan.
I'll blame my mom for letting me come out here all alone.
But I'm playing right now, so I guess that I can stand
Growing lobster-like with each tick of the second hand.
My face is burning.
My skin grows brighter
Because I am playing
When the sun is high.
Because I am playing,
My red face is saying
If I don't come prepared,
I'll be burnt as can be.
Dumb Song (Young Girl, Jerry Fuller)
I think Gary Puckett's Young Girl is one of the most irritating songs on the radio, and maddeningly it always seems to get stuck in my head once I hear it. Aggravation!
Dumb Song
Dumb song, get outta my head.
I'd rather have a good song instead.
Out with you, song;
You've been there too long.
I hated you to begin with.
I am incensed. I don't know what
I'll do if this goes on.
I think I'll tear
Out all my hair.
I think I simply will go nuts!
Oh, dumb song, get outta my head.
I'd rather have a good song instead.
Out with you, song;
You've been there too long.
Beneath your really catchy verses,
You are a demon in disguise.
I just don't know
How much more I can take.
If I should wake
With you still there, then I will cry!
Oh, dumb song, get outta my head.
I'd rather have a good song instead.
Out with you, song;
You've been there too long.
The radio station played you
When I was driving in my car.
Oh, I have tried
To shake you with no luck.
You're firmly stuck.
My efforts are in vain so far!
Oh, dumb song, get outta my head.
I'd rather have a good song instead.
Out with you, song;
You've been there too long.
Dumb Song
Dumb song, get outta my head.
I'd rather have a good song instead.
Out with you, song;
You've been there too long.
I hated you to begin with.
I am incensed. I don't know what
I'll do if this goes on.
I think I'll tear
Out all my hair.
I think I simply will go nuts!
Oh, dumb song, get outta my head.
I'd rather have a good song instead.
Out with you, song;
You've been there too long.
Beneath your really catchy verses,
You are a demon in disguise.
I just don't know
How much more I can take.
If I should wake
With you still there, then I will cry!
Oh, dumb song, get outta my head.
I'd rather have a good song instead.
Out with you, song;
You've been there too long.
The radio station played you
When I was driving in my car.
Oh, I have tried
To shake you with no luck.
You're firmly stuck.
My efforts are in vain so far!
Oh, dumb song, get outta my head.
I'd rather have a good song instead.
Out with you, song;
You've been there too long.
Christopher Robin (Rockin' Robin, Leon Rene)
Have I ever mentioned that when I was younger, I had a crush on Christopher Robin? What a perfect way to spend the summer, chillin' with Christopher Robin and Pooh in the Hundred Acre Wood. Here's an ode to Pooh's best buddy to the tune of Rockin' Robin.
Christopher Robin
He plays in the woodland all day long.
Merrily, the bear and he make up a song.
When Pooh has a craving for something sweet,
He provides the bear with his favorite treat.
He's Chris Robin. (Sweet, sweet as can be.)
He's Chris Robin. (Sweet, sweet as can be.)
Christopher Robin is the best friend that a bear could have.
I would like to follow both of them and see
What they do en route to the hunny tree.
The day is hot. Their pace is slow.
He holds Pooh's paw wherever they go.
He's Chris Robin. (Sweet, sweet as can be.)
He's Chris Robin. (Sweet, sweet as can be.)
Christopher Robin is the best friend that a bear could have.
If he would just come and take me by the hand,
I could spend the day in his enchanted land.
If gaily doing nothing is his daily goal,
Then Christopher would find in me a kindred soul.
He plays in the woodland all day long.
Merrily, the bear and he make up a song.
When Pooh has a craving for something sweet,
He provides the bear with his favorite treat.
He's Chris Robin. (Sweet, sweet as can be.)
He's Chris Robin. (Sweet, sweet as can be.)
Christopher Robin is the best friend that a bear could have.
Christopher Robin
He plays in the woodland all day long.
Merrily, the bear and he make up a song.
When Pooh has a craving for something sweet,
He provides the bear with his favorite treat.
He's Chris Robin. (Sweet, sweet as can be.)
He's Chris Robin. (Sweet, sweet as can be.)
Christopher Robin is the best friend that a bear could have.
I would like to follow both of them and see
What they do en route to the hunny tree.
The day is hot. Their pace is slow.
He holds Pooh's paw wherever they go.
He's Chris Robin. (Sweet, sweet as can be.)
He's Chris Robin. (Sweet, sweet as can be.)
Christopher Robin is the best friend that a bear could have.
If he would just come and take me by the hand,
I could spend the day in his enchanted land.
If gaily doing nothing is his daily goal,
Then Christopher would find in me a kindred soul.
He plays in the woodland all day long.
Merrily, the bear and he make up a song.
When Pooh has a craving for something sweet,
He provides the bear with his favorite treat.
He's Chris Robin. (Sweet, sweet as can be.)
He's Chris Robin. (Sweet, sweet as can be.)
Christopher Robin is the best friend that a bear could have.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Prepare to Die! (Rocky Mountain High, John Denver)
For all you Princess Bride fans out there - and I know there are a lot of you - here is a startlingly bloodthirsty song to the tune of Rocky Mountain High. Inigo's got a natural high too, but something tells me peacenik John wouldn't approve too much... (Note: I know there was no "now" in the famed line. But I needed it, and I figure it was implied anyway...)
Prepare to Die!
I met you in the summer of a carefree childhood year
When you asked Dad to make you a six-fingered sword.
He painstakingly designed it. You demanded it and then
Slashed the heart of my poor dad, who I adored.
When you decimated my life on that unholy day,
I was young and wasn't very strong.
But my words will now be spoken, for I'm perfectly prepared.
I have waited for this moment for so long.
You killed my father; now prepare to die!
I see you have six fingers, and that's why
Your shadow will not darken the dungeon where you make men cry.
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
I know that you're a count; I'm intrepid Inigo
Montoya, and you really should fear me.
If I fail I will go crazy - but I will get the job done,
For the sake of my dad's sainted memory.
Now I walk, awash with gratitude that I at last have seen
Your foul face. Your life is mine to take.
I'm practically beside myself. Maybe now you'll understand
When you murdered Papa, you made a big mistake.
You killed my father; now prepare to die!
I see you have six fingers, and that's why
If you beg for mercy, you will hear my casual reply:
"Now prepare to die!" (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Did you ever stop to wonder whether I would find you here?
Did you underestimate my skill, my friend?
Now I want to see you on the ground. I'll shout out this phrase once more,
And then I will have my sweet revenge.
You killed my father; now prepare to die!
I see you have six fingers, and that's why
I know you are that same low and unscrupulous, unfeeling guy.
Now prepare to die!
My name is Inigo; now prepare to die!
I see you have six fingers, and that's why
I'm about to kill you. I will not be shy.
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die!
Prepare to Die!
I met you in the summer of a carefree childhood year
When you asked Dad to make you a six-fingered sword.
He painstakingly designed it. You demanded it and then
Slashed the heart of my poor dad, who I adored.
When you decimated my life on that unholy day,
I was young and wasn't very strong.
But my words will now be spoken, for I'm perfectly prepared.
I have waited for this moment for so long.
You killed my father; now prepare to die!
I see you have six fingers, and that's why
Your shadow will not darken the dungeon where you make men cry.
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
I know that you're a count; I'm intrepid Inigo
Montoya, and you really should fear me.
If I fail I will go crazy - but I will get the job done,
For the sake of my dad's sainted memory.
Now I walk, awash with gratitude that I at last have seen
Your foul face. Your life is mine to take.
I'm practically beside myself. Maybe now you'll understand
When you murdered Papa, you made a big mistake.
You killed my father; now prepare to die!
I see you have six fingers, and that's why
If you beg for mercy, you will hear my casual reply:
"Now prepare to die!" (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Did you ever stop to wonder whether I would find you here?
Did you underestimate my skill, my friend?
Now I want to see you on the ground. I'll shout out this phrase once more,
And then I will have my sweet revenge.
You killed my father; now prepare to die!
I see you have six fingers, and that's why
I know you are that same low and unscrupulous, unfeeling guy.
Now prepare to die!
My name is Inigo; now prepare to die!
I see you have six fingers, and that's why
I'm about to kill you. I will not be shy.
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die!
The Small Boy and the Puzzled Shrink (Do You Hear What I Hear?, Noel Regney / Gloria Shayne Baker)
Since we went to see Lady in the Water, I'm on a bit of a Shyamalan kick, so here's a Sixth Sense parody to the tune of the Christmas carol Do You Hear What I Hear?
The Small Boy and the Puzzled Shrink
Said the small boy to the puzzled shrink,
"Do you see what I see?
Hanging in the hall, puzzled shrink?
Do you see what I see?
A ghost, a ghost! They are everywhere!
Could you get them out of my hair?
Could you get them out of my hair?"
Said the puzzled shrink, working all alone,
"Do you hear what I hear?
Am I going nuts all alone?
Do you hear what I hear?
A voice, a voice with a ragged plea.
I am hearing what Cole can see.
I am hearing what Cole can see."
The enlightened shrink told his troubled charge,
"Do you know what I know?
Cowering in fear, troubled charge?
Do you know what I know?
Your help, your help. That is all they want.
If you give it, they will not haunt.
If you give it, they will not haunt."
Said the boy to his doting, worried Mom,
"Listen to what I say!
Hear my secret now, worried Mom.
Listen to what I say!
Grandma, Grandma visits me at night.
I see ghosts, but that is all right.
I see ghosts, but that is all right."
The Small Boy and the Puzzled Shrink
Said the small boy to the puzzled shrink,
"Do you see what I see?
Hanging in the hall, puzzled shrink?
Do you see what I see?
A ghost, a ghost! They are everywhere!
Could you get them out of my hair?
Could you get them out of my hair?"
Said the puzzled shrink, working all alone,
"Do you hear what I hear?
Am I going nuts all alone?
Do you hear what I hear?
A voice, a voice with a ragged plea.
I am hearing what Cole can see.
I am hearing what Cole can see."
The enlightened shrink told his troubled charge,
"Do you know what I know?
Cowering in fear, troubled charge?
Do you know what I know?
Your help, your help. That is all they want.
If you give it, they will not haunt.
If you give it, they will not haunt."
Said the boy to his doting, worried Mom,
"Listen to what I say!
Hear my secret now, worried Mom.
Listen to what I say!
Grandma, Grandma visits me at night.
I see ghosts, but that is all right.
I see ghosts, but that is all right."
A Miracle (America, Neil Diamond)
As summer draws to a close, I have baseball on the brain. I went to a game recently at which my cousin sang the national anthem, and around the same time I was introduced to Paul Stookey's whimsical rendition of Right Field, a song about a hopeless case of a kid who finally gets his shining moment on the baseball field. When I think about baseball, I always am reminded of one of my favorite movies, Angels in the Outfield, so here is a song about that movie to the tune of Neil Diamond's America.
A Miracle
Far
They have come from afar
To help the child
Who wished upon a star.
Free
Their assistance is free
But they have forms
Only he can see.
Roger is a gloomy boy.
He's hopin' for a miracle.
His life hasn't had much joy.
He's hopin' for a miracle.
Home... Foster care is where he'll stay
While his father is far away,
Running from his own past,
Running from his own past.
Home... He just wants his dad again,
And he thinks it could happen when
His team triumphs at last,
His team triumphs at last.
Angels fans around the world
Are hopin' for a miracle.
Every time that ball is hurled,
They're hopin' for a miracle.
Shiny people in the air,
They're helpin' make a miracle.
They're the answer to that prayer.
They're helpin' make a miracle.
They're helpin' make a miracle
They're helpin' make a miracle
They're helpin' make a miracle
They're helpin' make a miracle
Today, today, today, today, today...
Roger and young J. P.
Today
Will have a family
Today
Hope's in the wings
Today
Hope's in the wings
Today!
A Miracle
Far
They have come from afar
To help the child
Who wished upon a star.
Free
Their assistance is free
But they have forms
Only he can see.
Roger is a gloomy boy.
He's hopin' for a miracle.
His life hasn't had much joy.
He's hopin' for a miracle.
Home... Foster care is where he'll stay
While his father is far away,
Running from his own past,
Running from his own past.
Home... He just wants his dad again,
And he thinks it could happen when
His team triumphs at last,
His team triumphs at last.
Angels fans around the world
Are hopin' for a miracle.
Every time that ball is hurled,
They're hopin' for a miracle.
Shiny people in the air,
They're helpin' make a miracle.
They're the answer to that prayer.
They're helpin' make a miracle.
They're helpin' make a miracle
They're helpin' make a miracle
They're helpin' make a miracle
They're helpin' make a miracle
Today, today, today, today, today...
Roger and young J. P.
Today
Will have a family
Today
Hope's in the wings
Today
Hope's in the wings
Today!
Don't Let Them Sic a Clown on Me (Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)
My brother has an irrational fear of clowns. I'm pretty sure it's Stephen King's fault, but in any case he's not alone. Here's an ode for all those poor unfortunate souls who will never enjoy a circus, to the tune of Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me.
Don't Let Them Sic a Clown on Me
I'm in fright when the stage lights darken.
All those figures with their faces painted white
Stand in the shadows, their evil grins before me.
Frozen here, I am fearing for my life.
It is late. I hear my mother calling...
Is there a chance that clown's hiding a knife?
Well, you misled me when you said, "I bet you
Want to go and have some fun with me tonight."
Don't let them sic a clown on me.
You know, this circus stuff, there are no merits that I see.
I wouldn't even want to come here if I got in free.
Cuz when I see three rings, I think that they'll sic a clown on me.
I was fine, oh, until I saw that line
Of Painted Ones. I wish that they weren't real.
This is hard because I've been afraid of them so long.
Wish someone would save me from being their next meal!
Don't let them sic a clown on me.
You know, this circus stuff, there are no merits that I see.
I wouldn't even want to come here if I got in free.
Cuz when I see three rings, I think that they'll sic a clown on me.
Don't Let Them Sic a Clown on Me
I'm in fright when the stage lights darken.
All those figures with their faces painted white
Stand in the shadows, their evil grins before me.
Frozen here, I am fearing for my life.
It is late. I hear my mother calling...
Is there a chance that clown's hiding a knife?
Well, you misled me when you said, "I bet you
Want to go and have some fun with me tonight."
Don't let them sic a clown on me.
You know, this circus stuff, there are no merits that I see.
I wouldn't even want to come here if I got in free.
Cuz when I see three rings, I think that they'll sic a clown on me.
I was fine, oh, until I saw that line
Of Painted Ones. I wish that they weren't real.
This is hard because I've been afraid of them so long.
Wish someone would save me from being their next meal!
Don't let them sic a clown on me.
You know, this circus stuff, there are no merits that I see.
I wouldn't even want to come here if I got in free.
Cuz when I see three rings, I think that they'll sic a clown on me.
Molly Alone (Molly Malone, Irish Rovers)
One of my favorite television shows is Jakers! The Adventures of Piggley Winks, which focuses on the lives of several youngsters in an idealized fifties-era rural Ireland. Here, I appropriate the traditional Irish ballad Molly Malone for a song about Piggley's little sister.
Molly Alone
In emerald Tara,
Where the weather is fair,
Is a lovely young lassie
Named Molly, alone.
She sits on the green hill
And watches the sheep till
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan
Arrive, arrive-oh.
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan
Arrive, arrive-oh.
Well, Molly is younger,
And she has a hunger
For goin' wherever her brother can go.
But she's a wee lass still,
So she just holds fast till
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan
Arrive, arrive-oh.
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan
Arrive, arrive-oh.
When no one is over,
She rolls in the clover
And she dreams of the day
When at last she'll be grown.
She mopes for a while then
Breaks into a smile when
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan
Arrive, arrive-oh.
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan
Arrive, arrive-oh.
Her brother's a weaver
Of tales she believes.
Her young soul is naive,
And she's pure to the bone.
But when she feels discarded,
She cries out, downhearted,
"Piggley, Ferny and Dannan,
Arrive, arrive-oh!
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan,
Arrive, arrive-oh!"
Molly Malone
Molly Alone
In emerald Tara,
Where the weather is fair,
Is a lovely young lassie
Named Molly, alone.
She sits on the green hill
And watches the sheep till
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan
Arrive, arrive-oh.
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan
Arrive, arrive-oh.
Well, Molly is younger,
And she has a hunger
For goin' wherever her brother can go.
But she's a wee lass still,
So she just holds fast till
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan
Arrive, arrive-oh.
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan
Arrive, arrive-oh.
When no one is over,
She rolls in the clover
And she dreams of the day
When at last she'll be grown.
She mopes for a while then
Breaks into a smile when
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan
Arrive, arrive-oh.
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan
Arrive, arrive-oh.
Her brother's a weaver
Of tales she believes.
Her young soul is naive,
And she's pure to the bone.
But when she feels discarded,
She cries out, downhearted,
"Piggley, Ferny and Dannan,
Arrive, arrive-oh!
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Arrive, arrive-oh,
Piggley, Ferny and Dannan,
Arrive, arrive-oh!"
Molly Malone
Tuesday, August 8, 2006
Help Me, Sanitation (Memphis Tennessee, Chuck Berry)
This parody - of Johnny Rivers' Memphis on request from my dad - is for anybody who ever had a sentimentally significant artifact thrown away by someone who just didn't understand...
Help Me, Sanitation
Oh, local sanitation, any chance you could help me?
Have you seen a well-worn slice of music history?
I noticed it was missing when I opened up my drawer.
I'll never understand what my wife threw that shirt out for.
Would you help me, sanitation, get ahold of my lost tee?
Well, I got it when I saw the Stones in 1983.
I spilled some chicken on it opening the fridge,
So it was greasy when it was discarded by my Midge.
Oh, help me, sanitation, cuz this situation's bad.
It's the most amazing t-shirt that I ever had.
I thought the art was awesome, but my gal did not agree.
She asked, "Why have you kept that thing since 1983?"
Oh, help me, sanitation, cuz this situation's bad.
It's the most amazing t-shirt that I ever had.
I thought the art was awesome, but my gal did not agree.
She asked, "Why have you kept that thing since 1983?"
I am a down-to-earth, pretty reasonable guy,
But can you blame me if I freaked? I think I'm gonna cry.
Well, I was 26 years old back when I got that tee.
Help me to reclaim that shirt from 1983!
Help Me, Sanitation
Oh, local sanitation, any chance you could help me?
Have you seen a well-worn slice of music history?
I noticed it was missing when I opened up my drawer.
I'll never understand what my wife threw that shirt out for.
Would you help me, sanitation, get ahold of my lost tee?
Well, I got it when I saw the Stones in 1983.
I spilled some chicken on it opening the fridge,
So it was greasy when it was discarded by my Midge.
Oh, help me, sanitation, cuz this situation's bad.
It's the most amazing t-shirt that I ever had.
I thought the art was awesome, but my gal did not agree.
She asked, "Why have you kept that thing since 1983?"
Oh, help me, sanitation, cuz this situation's bad.
It's the most amazing t-shirt that I ever had.
I thought the art was awesome, but my gal did not agree.
She asked, "Why have you kept that thing since 1983?"
I am a down-to-earth, pretty reasonable guy,
But can you blame me if I freaked? I think I'm gonna cry.
Well, I was 26 years old back when I got that tee.
Help me to reclaim that shirt from 1983!
This Band Is Your Band (This Land Is Your Land, Woody Guthrie)
While my parody-writing began with those tributes to Michael Rosenbaum, it wasn't until the evening of the next day that I began this project in earnest, with a particular long-term goal in mind. That was when I happened to see Ain't Got No Home, a documentary about Woody Guthrie.
It was a very well-done program overall, but the one thing that really stuck with me was the fact that during one particularly productive month, he wrote 26 songs in 28 days. "Wow," I thought. "If I could do that, I'd really be able to say I accomplished something this summer." So I decided I would, and I soon determined that since Guthrie had most likely composed original melodies for many, if not all, of those songs, I would write twice as many parodies to try to even the score a little. I'm no Woody Guthrie, but I must say that I do feel I've had a rather productive month...
Anyway, probably no single song in Guthrie's catalog quite captured America's imagination like This Land is Your Land, so I latched onto that one for the grand finale, and I'm dedicating it to Peter, Paul and Mary, who have sung that song to such great effect for so many years and followed in Guthrie's footsteps as folk singers dedicated to social change. Cheers!
This Band is Your Band
This band is your band, this band is my band,
And their blended voices ring out to the sky and
They've inspired the nation's many sons and daughters.
This band was made for you and me.
They're roving ramblers, and they formed in the sixties
When they saw some problems that needed fixing.
They've tried to heal the world with their singing.
This band was made for you and me!
This band is your band, this band is my band,
And their blended voices ring out to the sky and
They've inspired the nation's many sons and daughters.
This band was made for you and me.
Well, when they started, they channeled their singing
To echo Dr. Martin Luther King, but
They have since taken on 'most everything.
This band was made for you and me!
This band is your band, this band is my band,
And their blended voices ring out to the sky and
They've inspired the nation's many sons and daughters.
This band was made for you and me.
There's witty Paul and passionate Peter.
Oh, and soulful Mary... Sure would like to meet her.
Sure would like to thank them for being leaders.
This band was made for you and me!
This band is your band, this band is my band,
And their blended voices ring out to the sky and
They've inspired the nation's many sons and daughters.
This band was made for you and me.
It was a very well-done program overall, but the one thing that really stuck with me was the fact that during one particularly productive month, he wrote 26 songs in 28 days. "Wow," I thought. "If I could do that, I'd really be able to say I accomplished something this summer." So I decided I would, and I soon determined that since Guthrie had most likely composed original melodies for many, if not all, of those songs, I would write twice as many parodies to try to even the score a little. I'm no Woody Guthrie, but I must say that I do feel I've had a rather productive month...
Anyway, probably no single song in Guthrie's catalog quite captured America's imagination like This Land is Your Land, so I latched onto that one for the grand finale, and I'm dedicating it to Peter, Paul and Mary, who have sung that song to such great effect for so many years and followed in Guthrie's footsteps as folk singers dedicated to social change. Cheers!
This Band is Your Band
This band is your band, this band is my band,
And their blended voices ring out to the sky and
They've inspired the nation's many sons and daughters.
This band was made for you and me.
They're roving ramblers, and they formed in the sixties
When they saw some problems that needed fixing.
They've tried to heal the world with their singing.
This band was made for you and me!
This band is your band, this band is my band,
And their blended voices ring out to the sky and
They've inspired the nation's many sons and daughters.
This band was made for you and me.
Well, when they started, they channeled their singing
To echo Dr. Martin Luther King, but
They have since taken on 'most everything.
This band was made for you and me!
This band is your band, this band is my band,
And their blended voices ring out to the sky and
They've inspired the nation's many sons and daughters.
This band was made for you and me.
There's witty Paul and passionate Peter.
Oh, and soulful Mary... Sure would like to meet her.
Sure would like to thank them for being leaders.
This band was made for you and me!
This band is your band, this band is my band,
And their blended voices ring out to the sky and
They've inspired the nation's many sons and daughters.
This band was made for you and me.
Somebody Shaved Me! (Save Me, Remy Zero)
I have come nearly to the end of my parody-writing streak. Well, this one, anyway, though I'm having so much fun I don't plan to stop. However, my goal was 52 parodies by today, and this is number 51. Actually, it's number 56, since there were a few I decided not to post here and I wrote five more to make up for it. That being said...
This all started with Smallville, since the first in this string of parodies was my way of conveying birthday greetings to Michael Rosenbaum, as was the second. So this parody, to the tune of Save Me (which is, conveniently enough, Smallville's theme song), brings me full circle with the unofficial beginning of this project. I still haven't gotten past season three, by the way; it's just been too busy a summer for that. But my brother assures me that Lionel is the best part of the fourth season, so I can't wait to see that. I just wish I could see that beautiful hair again too...
Somebody Shaved Me!
I see my tresses touching his cold hands.
I see the locks that brought such great pride.
I can't help but wonder
If that hair helped me to get what I want - oh,
At least, what I wanted.
With nowhere to go but down,
I hit the ground.
Somebody shaved me!
Now my mane is gone forever.
Somebody shaved me!
It was a cruel endeavor.
I'm prey, prey...
Come on,
What a mean thing to do!
When did my son develop a black heart?
He would prefer it if I died.
I can't help but wonder
If he wants all the same things that I want - oh,
At least, what I wanted.
With nowhere to go but down,
I hit the ground.
Somebody shaved me!
Now my mane is gone forever.
Somebody shaved me!
It was a cruel endeavor.
I'm prey, prey...
Come on,
What a mean thing to do!
I am lost, but what I've found
Could shake that town.
Somebody shaved me!
Now my mane is gone forever.
Somebody shaved me!
It was a cruel endeavor.
I'm prey! (He hates me!)
The whole world once was mine, it's true...
I'm prey, prey...
Come on...
Why did I say, "Thank you"?
This all started with Smallville, since the first in this string of parodies was my way of conveying birthday greetings to Michael Rosenbaum, as was the second. So this parody, to the tune of Save Me (which is, conveniently enough, Smallville's theme song), brings me full circle with the unofficial beginning of this project. I still haven't gotten past season three, by the way; it's just been too busy a summer for that. But my brother assures me that Lionel is the best part of the fourth season, so I can't wait to see that. I just wish I could see that beautiful hair again too...
Somebody Shaved Me!
I see my tresses touching his cold hands.
I see the locks that brought such great pride.
I can't help but wonder
If that hair helped me to get what I want - oh,
At least, what I wanted.
With nowhere to go but down,
I hit the ground.
Somebody shaved me!
Now my mane is gone forever.
Somebody shaved me!
It was a cruel endeavor.
I'm prey, prey...
Come on,
What a mean thing to do!
When did my son develop a black heart?
He would prefer it if I died.
I can't help but wonder
If he wants all the same things that I want - oh,
At least, what I wanted.
With nowhere to go but down,
I hit the ground.
Somebody shaved me!
Now my mane is gone forever.
Somebody shaved me!
It was a cruel endeavor.
I'm prey, prey...
Come on,
What a mean thing to do!
I am lost, but what I've found
Could shake that town.
Somebody shaved me!
Now my mane is gone forever.
Somebody shaved me!
It was a cruel endeavor.
I'm prey! (He hates me!)
The whole world once was mine, it's true...
I'm prey, prey...
Come on...
Why did I say, "Thank you"?
Monday, August 7, 2006
So Sappy Together (Happy Together, Gary Bonner / Alan Gordon)
For all the beleaguered chick flick and romance novel lovers who are So Happy Together having a girls' night in. (Note: I don't generally dig romance novels, but I'm always up for a sappy movie, and so is my mom. Actually, so is my brother too, and sometimes my dad... I guess I got lucky...)
So Sappy Together
Just look at me and you, us two.
We get together Friday nights and dim the lights
And watch a movie filled with love, to our delight.
So sappy together.
I like to call you up at half past nine
And tell you, while I've got you captive on the line,
About a romance novel that I found divine.
So sappy together.
We have never met a love story that we did not adore.
At the bookstore, those things are all that we buy, and we want more!
Me and you, and you and me.
I think it's very nice the two of us can see
The films that make our husbands groan excessively.
So sappy together...
So Sappy Together
Just look at me and you, us two.
We get together Friday nights and dim the lights
And watch a movie filled with love, to our delight.
So sappy together.
I like to call you up at half past nine
And tell you, while I've got you captive on the line,
About a romance novel that I found divine.
So sappy together.
We have never met a love story that we did not adore.
At the bookstore, those things are all that we buy, and we want more!
Me and you, and you and me.
I think it's very nice the two of us can see
The films that make our husbands groan excessively.
So sappy together...
Knighted (Uninvited, Alanis Morisette)
This is another parody on request, from my Dad who suggested I take on the bizarre but effective Uninvited. I haven't quite worked out who the speaker is, but I figure with all the people being knighted lately, there must be at least one poor schmuck who isn't quite sure why...
Knighted
Like anyone would be,
I am flattered that you gave this title to me.
Like courtly heroes and Beatles,
I am apparently exotic and brave.
Oh, I am very proud.
I have been knighted.
Sure hope you got it right!
I've not done any fighting
Or climbed Mount Everest.
I have a hard time telling
Just what it is I do best.
But I am very proud.
I have been knighted.
Sure hope you got it right!
Like someone part of a fairy story,
I feel like I must be dreaming.
You speak of my skills like
I am, quite simply, someone you adore.
And I am very proud.
I have been knighted.
Sure hope you got it right!
Though I'm not sure I'm worthy,
This honor's something I appreciate.
Knighted
Like anyone would be,
I am flattered that you gave this title to me.
Like courtly heroes and Beatles,
I am apparently exotic and brave.
Oh, I am very proud.
I have been knighted.
Sure hope you got it right!
I've not done any fighting
Or climbed Mount Everest.
I have a hard time telling
Just what it is I do best.
But I am very proud.
I have been knighted.
Sure hope you got it right!
Like someone part of a fairy story,
I feel like I must be dreaming.
You speak of my skills like
I am, quite simply, someone you adore.
And I am very proud.
I have been knighted.
Sure hope you got it right!
Though I'm not sure I'm worthy,
This honor's something I appreciate.
When I'm Older (Sunshine on My Shoulders, John Denver)
As I was nearing the deadline I set for myself to write 52 parodies in 28 days, I asked my parents if they had any requests. Mom rather unsurprisingly suggested Sunshine on My Shoulders. I wasn't thinking about it at the time, but it's ironic that I wound up turning my mom's favorite song into the rant of a whiny child. Sorry about that! And at the age of seven, no less, which is how old I was when they went to see John Denver without me... Hmmmmm...
When I'm Older
Sometime when I'm older, I'll be happy.
Sometimes being seven makes me cry.
Sometimes, though you tell me that you love me,
I get grounded, and I wonder why.
If I had a day when I could boss you,
I'd make a rule that I could stay up late.
I would make a list that I would toss at you,
All full of lots of nasty chores you hate.
Sometime when I'm older, I'll be happy.
Sometimes being seven makes me cry.
Sometimes, though you tell me that you love me,
I get grounded, and I wonder why.
If I had a tale that I could tell you,
I'd tell a tale where I am the queen.
I would have a stack of golden dishes you
Would never use but always have to clean.
Sometime when I'm older, I'll be happy.
Sometimes being seven makes me cry.
Sometimes, though you tell me that you love me,
I get grounded, and I wonder why.
Sometimes, when I'm grounded I
Sometimes sit and wonder...
When I'm Older
Sometime when I'm older, I'll be happy.
Sometimes being seven makes me cry.
Sometimes, though you tell me that you love me,
I get grounded, and I wonder why.
If I had a day when I could boss you,
I'd make a rule that I could stay up late.
I would make a list that I would toss at you,
All full of lots of nasty chores you hate.
Sometime when I'm older, I'll be happy.
Sometimes being seven makes me cry.
Sometimes, though you tell me that you love me,
I get grounded, and I wonder why.
If I had a tale that I could tell you,
I'd tell a tale where I am the queen.
I would have a stack of golden dishes you
Would never use but always have to clean.
Sometime when I'm older, I'll be happy.
Sometimes being seven makes me cry.
Sometimes, though you tell me that you love me,
I get grounded, and I wonder why.
Sometimes, when I'm grounded I
Sometimes sit and wonder...
I Guess That's Why They Call It the News (I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues, Elton John / Bernie Taupin / Davey Johnstone)
I hate watching or listening to the news. It's not that I'm totally unaware of what's going on around me. It's that I'm too aware, and it constantly threatens to plunge me into depression, so I really need to avoid the news as much as I can in order to keep myself from thinking all the time about all the bad things that are happening, most of which I can't do a thing about. I can handle Good Morning America because a nice chunk of that is, well, good, if sometimes a bit fluffy. But anything else I need in very small doses. What better song to express my sentiments than I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues? (Note: This is the first anniversary of Peter Jennings' death. RIP, Peter.)
I Guess That's Why They Call It the News
I can't look away,
Except when they tell me the weather.
I'm glued to the screen, but the anchor won't say
That things are gonna get better.
It's always that way.
Tragedies happen worldwide,
And it won't be long before, when it is on,
I will run to my bedroom and hide.
And I guess that's why they call it the news.
Blood on our hands and domestic abuse.
Hurricanes, earthquakes, murders and riots,
Infectious outbreaks. Wish they'd be quiet,
But I guess that's why they call it the news.
Spinning in space,
Earth's a collection of lands
All full of people in deep desperation.
Is this what is means to be Man?
All through the world,
Crying and fighting, but help
Comes rarely, if ever. What can we do?
Watching news, I'm overwhelmed.
And I guess that's why they call it the news.
Blood on our hands and domestic abuse.
Hurricanes, earthquakes, murders and riots,
Infectious outbreaks. Wish they'd be quiet,
But I guess that's why they call it the news.
I Guess That's Why They Call It the News
I can't look away,
Except when they tell me the weather.
I'm glued to the screen, but the anchor won't say
That things are gonna get better.
It's always that way.
Tragedies happen worldwide,
And it won't be long before, when it is on,
I will run to my bedroom and hide.
And I guess that's why they call it the news.
Blood on our hands and domestic abuse.
Hurricanes, earthquakes, murders and riots,
Infectious outbreaks. Wish they'd be quiet,
But I guess that's why they call it the news.
Spinning in space,
Earth's a collection of lands
All full of people in deep desperation.
Is this what is means to be Man?
All through the world,
Crying and fighting, but help
Comes rarely, if ever. What can we do?
Watching news, I'm overwhelmed.
And I guess that's why they call it the news.
Blood on our hands and domestic abuse.
Hurricanes, earthquakes, murders and riots,
Infectious outbreaks. Wish they'd be quiet,
But I guess that's why they call it the news.
Calculator (Operator, Jim Croce)
I am a writer, or at least I try to be. I am not, in any way, shape or form, a mathematician. I was never much good at math class, especially when I hit high school. It was only my sincere desire to avoid any ugly confrontations with my teachers that kept me from doing the following, to the tune of Jim Croce's Operator. As it was, playing with my calculator was generally the most enjoyable part of class...
Calculator
Calculator, well, would you get me through this class?
You see, I think that I'm gonna die of boredom.
I heard the teacher say
That we're doing trig all day.
I'd rather play some Tetris because it's more fun.
I will be discrete so no one knows
That I'm not doing math.
When she writes those numbers
Upon the blackboard,
I'll just play dumb,
Say it's brains that I lack
And, "Aw geez,
I need more batteries.
My calculator's shot.
I thought that it could help,
But clearly it cannot.
All that works is this game!
Oh, ain't it a cryin' shame?"
Calculator, well, would you get me through this class?
I don't know a thing about algorithms,
And I just don't care.
You know, I think that it's unfair
To teach these things when I can't do nothin' with 'em.
I will be discrete so no one knows
That I'm not doing math.
When she writes those numbers
Upon the blackboard,
I'll just play dumb,
Say it's brains that I lack
And, "Aw geez,
I need more batteries.
My calculator's shot.
I thought that it could help,
But clearly it cannot.
All that works is this game!
Oh, ain't it a cryin' shame?"
Calculator, well, let's forget about this class,
Even though it's the reason that I bought you.
I think truancy
Is the way to go for me.
I'll accept an "E".
I will be discrete so no one knows
That I'm not doing math.
When she writes those numbers
Upon the blackboard,
I'll just play dumb,
Say it's brains that I lack
And, "Aw geez,
I need more batteries.
My calculator's shot.
I thought that it could help,
But clearly it cannot.
All that works is this game!
Oh, ain't it a cryin' shame?"
Calculator
Calculator, well, would you get me through this class?
You see, I think that I'm gonna die of boredom.
I heard the teacher say
That we're doing trig all day.
I'd rather play some Tetris because it's more fun.
I will be discrete so no one knows
That I'm not doing math.
When she writes those numbers
Upon the blackboard,
I'll just play dumb,
Say it's brains that I lack
And, "Aw geez,
I need more batteries.
My calculator's shot.
I thought that it could help,
But clearly it cannot.
All that works is this game!
Oh, ain't it a cryin' shame?"
Calculator, well, would you get me through this class?
I don't know a thing about algorithms,
And I just don't care.
You know, I think that it's unfair
To teach these things when I can't do nothin' with 'em.
I will be discrete so no one knows
That I'm not doing math.
When she writes those numbers
Upon the blackboard,
I'll just play dumb,
Say it's brains that I lack
And, "Aw geez,
I need more batteries.
My calculator's shot.
I thought that it could help,
But clearly it cannot.
All that works is this game!
Oh, ain't it a cryin' shame?"
Calculator, well, let's forget about this class,
Even though it's the reason that I bought you.
I think truancy
Is the way to go for me.
I'll accept an "E".
I will be discrete so no one knows
That I'm not doing math.
When she writes those numbers
Upon the blackboard,
I'll just play dumb,
Say it's brains that I lack
And, "Aw geez,
I need more batteries.
My calculator's shot.
I thought that it could help,
But clearly it cannot.
All that works is this game!
Oh, ain't it a cryin' shame?"
Hug a Tree (Plant a Tree, John Denver)
I know "tree-hugger" is generally seen as a derisive term, but I say embrace it... though there may be such a thing as going too far... To the tune of a grand tree-huggers' anthem, Plant a Tree, by a grand tree-hugger, John Denver.
Hug a Tree
Hug a tree to lift your sorrow.
Show the world that you're aware.
Hug a tree. They built America.
Hug a tree and let the birds nest in your hair.
Flash the peace sign at a stranger.
Join a protest in D.C.
Hug a tree.
Now's the time to make some changes.
A tree-hugger's the thing to be.
Hug a tree to lift your sorrow.
Hug a tree to show you care.
Hug a tree. They built America.
Hug a tree and let the birds nest in your hair.
Hug a Tree
Hug a tree to lift your sorrow.
Show the world that you're aware.
Hug a tree. They built America.
Hug a tree and let the birds nest in your hair.
Flash the peace sign at a stranger.
Join a protest in D.C.
Hug a tree.
Now's the time to make some changes.
A tree-hugger's the thing to be.
Hug a tree to lift your sorrow.
Hug a tree to show you care.
Hug a tree. They built America.
Hug a tree and let the birds nest in your hair.
Goin' to the Apple (Chapel of Love, Jeff Barry / Ellie Greenwich / Phil Spector)
Last year, my mom engineered a grand family trip culminating in two days in New York City. I was looking forward to it, and we had a whole lot of fun, but I must confess these worries - to the tune of Chapel of Love - ran through my head as we were attempting to navigate the city traffic...
Goin' to the Apple
I am here.
The streets are packed.
I don't know
Just how to act.
Today's the day
I'll be attacked,
And I'll never vacation anymore.
Because I'm
Goin' to the Apple and I'm
Finding it scary.
Goin' to the Apple and I'm
Finding it scary.
Gee, I sure love Broadway, but I'm
Finding it scary.
Goin' to the place where they shove.
Cars will honk.
The bums will beg.
Food will cost an
Arm and leg.
I'll get a bump
Big as an egg
And I'll never vacation anymore.
Because I'm
Goin' to the Apple and I'm
Finding it scary.
Goin' to the Apple and I'm
Finding it scary.
Gee, I sure love Broadway, but I'm
Finding it scary.
Goin' to the place where they shove.
Goin' to the Apple
I am here.
The streets are packed.
I don't know
Just how to act.
Today's the day
I'll be attacked,
And I'll never vacation anymore.
Because I'm
Goin' to the Apple and I'm
Finding it scary.
Goin' to the Apple and I'm
Finding it scary.
Gee, I sure love Broadway, but I'm
Finding it scary.
Goin' to the place where they shove.
Cars will honk.
The bums will beg.
Food will cost an
Arm and leg.
I'll get a bump
Big as an egg
And I'll never vacation anymore.
Because I'm
Goin' to the Apple and I'm
Finding it scary.
Goin' to the Apple and I'm
Finding it scary.
Gee, I sure love Broadway, but I'm
Finding it scary.
Goin' to the place where they shove.
Eros the Arrow Boy (Eli the Barrow Boy, Colin Meloy)
The following is a parody of the Decemberists' Eli the Barrow Boy, which sounds like one of the oldest songs I've parodied but is actually one of the newest. Posting that last parody of a song Clay Aiken sang put me in mind of my favorite hip young crooner of old standards. I might not be quite this far gone, but I certainly consider myself a Claymate...
Eros the Arrow Boy
Eros the arrow boy
Of the old myths
Spurns pants and spreads romance.
See his prey kiss
All down the day.
Above the city roofs,
He is shooting,
And few are Eros-proof.
He's a cute thing
All down the day.
Would he could come back
And get my love to woo me.
How I wish that I
Could help him find a way!
Till that time, while he
Is still a stranger to me,
I'll sit here and daydream about Clay.
I'll sit here and daydream about Clay.
Eros the arrow boy,
Be an angel.
You would bring me such joy
If you changed his
Hallowed heart today.
He'll say that he is mine.
I won't argue.
Slip that into your design.
Though it's hard,
You must find a way!
Would you could come back
And get my love to love me.
How I wish that I
Could help you find a way!
Till that time, I'll search
The sunny skies above me
While I sit here and daydream about Clay.
I'll sit here and daydream about Clay.
Eros the Arrow Boy
Eros the arrow boy
Of the old myths
Spurns pants and spreads romance.
See his prey kiss
All down the day.
Above the city roofs,
He is shooting,
And few are Eros-proof.
He's a cute thing
All down the day.
Would he could come back
And get my love to woo me.
How I wish that I
Could help him find a way!
Till that time, while he
Is still a stranger to me,
I'll sit here and daydream about Clay.
I'll sit here and daydream about Clay.
Eros the arrow boy,
Be an angel.
You would bring me such joy
If you changed his
Hallowed heart today.
He'll say that he is mine.
I won't argue.
Slip that into your design.
Though it's hard,
You must find a way!
Would you could come back
And get my love to love me.
How I wish that I
Could help you find a way!
Till that time, I'll search
The sunny skies above me
While I sit here and daydream about Clay.
I'll sit here and daydream about Clay.
This Gambling Urge (Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me, Harry Noble)
I've been enjoying going to Casino Niagara with a friend of mine lately. When we go, we only play the free money given to us as part of the bus trip; otherwise, something like this could happen... In anticipation of Art Garfunkel's upcoming uber-oldies album, this is to the tune of Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me.
This Gambling Urge
Hit me, hit me!
I'll admit the blackjack bug has bit me, bit me.
I have been attacked, and it's the pits be-, pits be-
Cause I cannot shake this gambling urge.
Show me, show me
All the latest slot machines to go de-, go de-
Posit all these stacks of green. I know we, know we
Can't afford it, but I've got this urge.
They told me, "Be sensible with your spending.
Don't be fooled when the dealers say you can win."
But they never stood here for hours on end in
The warm glow of the neon lights and watched the slots hypnotically spin!
Bill me, bill me!
When we leave, I'm certain that we will be, will be
Deep in debt. I know I have been silly, silly,
But I just can't help this gambling urge.
This Gambling Urge
Hit me, hit me!
I'll admit the blackjack bug has bit me, bit me.
I have been attacked, and it's the pits be-, pits be-
Cause I cannot shake this gambling urge.
Show me, show me
All the latest slot machines to go de-, go de-
Posit all these stacks of green. I know we, know we
Can't afford it, but I've got this urge.
They told me, "Be sensible with your spending.
Don't be fooled when the dealers say you can win."
But they never stood here for hours on end in
The warm glow of the neon lights and watched the slots hypnotically spin!
Bill me, bill me!
When we leave, I'm certain that we will be, will be
Deep in debt. I know I have been silly, silly,
But I just can't help this gambling urge.
Grover (The Irish Rover, Traditional)
One of the things I am trying to do with my slew of parodies is represent as many of my favorite musicians as I can. This is based on The Irish Rover, as performed by the band of nearly the same name. I've listened the the Irish Rovers for years, and they're one of my favorite bands ever. I'm hoping to see them again next week, as a matter of fact, though I don't know if that will work out... Anyway, this is an ode to my favorite gangly blue monster.
Grover
Well, on Sesame Street you are likely to meet
A small fellow who's furry and blue.
He is gangly and sweet from his head to his feet
And he wants to be buddies with you.
He has got a pink nose and some rarely seen toes,
And he sounds a lot like Yoda.
He is not all that smart, but he has a good heart.
He's the monster that they call Grover.
All the customers hate when he works as a waiter
Because he's completely inept,
And they start getting rude when he brings the wrong food,
But he's charming through all his missteps.
Well, he has helped to make clear what is far and what's near,
And though he has quivered all over,
He's been there as we took a long look through his book,
At the end of which we found Grover.
Grover always is nice, and his words are precise.
You will not hear him say "can't" or "won't".
This trick makes him unique and appeases the geeks
Who love grammar and loathe those who don't.
He is one of those guys who persistently tries.
He perseveres over and over,
Never stopping to rest. I must say, I'm impressed
By this monster that they call Grover.
Now he flies through the air just to help children care
About people who live far away.
And before each trip ends, he has made some new friends
And has learned just how they work and play.
He has visited homes from the grandiose Rome
To Irish fields covered with clover,
And everyone gapes at his helmet and his cape.
They all love him because he's Grover.
Grover
Well, on Sesame Street you are likely to meet
A small fellow who's furry and blue.
He is gangly and sweet from his head to his feet
And he wants to be buddies with you.
He has got a pink nose and some rarely seen toes,
And he sounds a lot like Yoda.
He is not all that smart, but he has a good heart.
He's the monster that they call Grover.
All the customers hate when he works as a waiter
Because he's completely inept,
And they start getting rude when he brings the wrong food,
But he's charming through all his missteps.
Well, he has helped to make clear what is far and what's near,
And though he has quivered all over,
He's been there as we took a long look through his book,
At the end of which we found Grover.
Grover always is nice, and his words are precise.
You will not hear him say "can't" or "won't".
This trick makes him unique and appeases the geeks
Who love grammar and loathe those who don't.
He is one of those guys who persistently tries.
He perseveres over and over,
Never stopping to rest. I must say, I'm impressed
By this monster that they call Grover.
Now he flies through the air just to help children care
About people who live far away.
And before each trip ends, he has made some new friends
And has learned just how they work and play.
He has visited homes from the grandiose Rome
To Irish fields covered with clover,
And everyone gapes at his helmet and his cape.
They all love him because he's Grover.
Sunday, August 6, 2006
Precipitation (Anticipation, Carly Simon)
It's an overcast sort of day here. Hasn't rained yet, but I suspect it will at any moment, so this is my response to my dad's request to write a parody of Anticipation. I guess I've got rain on the brain...
Precipitation
We can never know what weather's gonna come
But we have weathermen anyway.
And I wonder if rain's coming from those clouds.
Will I suffer any showers today?
Precipitation, precipitation
Is makin' me wet.
I like clear days better.
And I tell you how queasy the forecast makes me feel
And how lightning causes me to flee.
Will I, I be forced to stay up through the night
Glumly thinkin' about how fun the sun would be?
Precipitation, precipitation
Is makin' me wet.
I like clear days better.
Now tomorrow we might have stormy weather.
How I wish that I could just change nature's ways!
But I can't, and there is no way to learn how.
I guess I'll have to get used to rainy days.
These are the rainy days.
I guess I'll have to get used to rainy days.
These are the rainy days.
These are the rainy days.
These are the rainy days.
These are the rainy days.
Precipitation
We can never know what weather's gonna come
But we have weathermen anyway.
And I wonder if rain's coming from those clouds.
Will I suffer any showers today?
Precipitation, precipitation
Is makin' me wet.
I like clear days better.
And I tell you how queasy the forecast makes me feel
And how lightning causes me to flee.
Will I, I be forced to stay up through the night
Glumly thinkin' about how fun the sun would be?
Precipitation, precipitation
Is makin' me wet.
I like clear days better.
Now tomorrow we might have stormy weather.
How I wish that I could just change nature's ways!
But I can't, and there is no way to learn how.
I guess I'll have to get used to rainy days.
These are the rainy days.
I guess I'll have to get used to rainy days.
These are the rainy days.
These are the rainy days.
These are the rainy days.
These are the rainy days.
Let Me Eat Your Teddy Bear (Teddy Bear, Kal Mann / Bernie Lowe)
I just read a very sad story today. Elvis Presley's Teddy Bear, along with many other valuable teddy bears at a children's museum in England, was destroyed by a guard dog. Apparently he just sort of went nuts and decided to decimate the contents of the museum. Or else he was just really desperate for a midnight snack...
Let Me Eat Your Teddy Bear
Baby, let me eat
Your priceless teddy bear.
Let me rip that thing to shreds.
I'll chew and chomp and tear.
Oh, let me eat
Your teddy bear.
I don't wanna eat a doughnut.
My boss eats those enough.
I don't wanna eat a burger
Cuz they're not full of fur and lovely fluff.
Just wanna eat
Your teddy bear.
Let me rip that thing to shreds.
I'll chew and chomp and tear.
Oh, let me eat
Your teddy bear.
Baby, let me nibble on your teddy's toes.
Let me spill his cotton guts
And gobble up his nose.
Oh, let me eat
Your teddy bear.
Let Me Eat Your Teddy Bear
Baby, let me eat
Your priceless teddy bear.
Let me rip that thing to shreds.
I'll chew and chomp and tear.
Oh, let me eat
Your teddy bear.
I don't wanna eat a doughnut.
My boss eats those enough.
I don't wanna eat a burger
Cuz they're not full of fur and lovely fluff.
Just wanna eat
Your teddy bear.
Let me rip that thing to shreds.
I'll chew and chomp and tear.
Oh, let me eat
Your teddy bear.
Baby, let me nibble on your teddy's toes.
Let me spill his cotton guts
And gobble up his nose.
Oh, let me eat
Your teddy bear.
Saturday, August 5, 2006
Don't Know When I'll Go Out Again (Leavin' on a Jet Plane, John Denver)
Upon realizing that I had not yet parodied John Denver, I decided I needed to correct this situation, though curiously all my attempts thus far involve food... I'm one of those people who can't seem to eat anything without dropping food on the floor, myself or someone else. So I'm a slob sympathizer. Here's my lament to the tune of Leaving on a Jet Plane.
Don't Know When I'll Go Out Again
All my silverware is next to my plate.
I'm looking prim. My back is straight.
I'm wearing the most elegant of clothes.
But the food is coming. I quake in fear.
I'll do something dumb just as soon as it's here.
When it arrives, well, what do you suppose?
You dressed me, but look at me!
I'm as messy as can be!
Lap full of pop and General Tso.
My sleeve is dipped in chow mein.
Don't know when I'll go out again.
I'm such a slob, you know!
Oh, I didn't mean to let you down.
Don't stare at me and wear that frown.
Oops! I just dropped another chicken wing.
Every morsel that lies on the floor
Is a morsel I have dropped before.
Neat eating is a very tricky thing.
You dressed me, but look at me!
I'm as messy as can be!
Lap full of pop and General Tso.
My sleeve is dipped in chow mein.
Don't know when I'll go out again.
I'm such a slob, you know!
Now the time has come to leave
A check, and well, would you believe
I managed to get duck sauce on that too?
Do you dream of days you've known
When you have eaten meals alone
Without me there to embarrass you?
You dressed me, but look at me!
I'm as messy as can be!
Lap full of pop and General Tso.
My sleeve is dipped in chow mein.
Don't know when I'll go out again.
I'm such a slob, you know!
Don't Know When I'll Go Out Again
All my silverware is next to my plate.
I'm looking prim. My back is straight.
I'm wearing the most elegant of clothes.
But the food is coming. I quake in fear.
I'll do something dumb just as soon as it's here.
When it arrives, well, what do you suppose?
You dressed me, but look at me!
I'm as messy as can be!
Lap full of pop and General Tso.
My sleeve is dipped in chow mein.
Don't know when I'll go out again.
I'm such a slob, you know!
Oh, I didn't mean to let you down.
Don't stare at me and wear that frown.
Oops! I just dropped another chicken wing.
Every morsel that lies on the floor
Is a morsel I have dropped before.
Neat eating is a very tricky thing.
You dressed me, but look at me!
I'm as messy as can be!
Lap full of pop and General Tso.
My sleeve is dipped in chow mein.
Don't know when I'll go out again.
I'm such a slob, you know!
Now the time has come to leave
A check, and well, would you believe
I managed to get duck sauce on that too?
Do you dream of days you've known
When you have eaten meals alone
Without me there to embarrass you?
You dressed me, but look at me!
I'm as messy as can be!
Lap full of pop and General Tso.
My sleeve is dipped in chow mein.
Don't know when I'll go out again.
I'm such a slob, you know!
Thursday, August 3, 2006
Little Foxes (Little Boxes, Malvina Reynolds)
Here is a parody of the song Little Boxes on the subject of the fairly obscure book The Fox Busters. Because that's just the sort of mood I'm in right now...
Little Foxes
Little foxes on the hillside.
Little foxes want a chicken dinner.
Little foxes on the hillside,
Little foxes all the same.
They have red coats and long whiskers.
They have bushy tails and beady eyes,
And they wish they had a chicken dinner.
Yes, their tastes are just the same.
And the chickens in the houses
Are hardy, so they are hard to catch,
But does that faze the foxes,
With their taste buds all the same?
No! They contemplate plunder
Of poultry and salivate
At the simple thought of chicken dinner.
Yes, they're schemers just the same.
And they try to climb the ladder
To munch on the biddies there
Who are sitting on their children
Who will hatch out any day.
Oh, they dream about those little birds,
Such tender and yellow balls of fluff.
They're heaven to the foxes,
And they all look just the same.
But the chickens in the coops, well,
They find out about their vicious plan
And then they trick those foxes
Who desire them all the same.
And they chase them and they hit them
With the hard-boiled eggs inside of them,
And they'll never wind up chicken dinner
For those foxes all the same.
Little Foxes
Little foxes on the hillside.
Little foxes want a chicken dinner.
Little foxes on the hillside,
Little foxes all the same.
They have red coats and long whiskers.
They have bushy tails and beady eyes,
And they wish they had a chicken dinner.
Yes, their tastes are just the same.
And the chickens in the houses
Are hardy, so they are hard to catch,
But does that faze the foxes,
With their taste buds all the same?
No! They contemplate plunder
Of poultry and salivate
At the simple thought of chicken dinner.
Yes, they're schemers just the same.
And they try to climb the ladder
To munch on the biddies there
Who are sitting on their children
Who will hatch out any day.
Oh, they dream about those little birds,
Such tender and yellow balls of fluff.
They're heaven to the foxes,
And they all look just the same.
But the chickens in the coops, well,
They find out about their vicious plan
And then they trick those foxes
Who desire them all the same.
And they chase them and they hit them
With the hard-boiled eggs inside of them,
And they'll never wind up chicken dinner
For those foxes all the same.
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