Uncle Owen (Oklahoma!, Richard Rodgers / Oscar Hammerstein)

Here's a little ditty from Luke Skywalker's perspective on the day before he meets Obi-Wan Kenobi, to the tune of the title song from Oklahoma!

Uncle Owen
I’m almost an adult.  I’ve earned the right to whine.
Seems all I do is sit around and wait.
Just a little latitude would suit me fine;
He confines me to a place I hate.
Place I hate.  Hope it’s not too late.

Gotta show the fellas I’m no shrinking violet.
Gotta get my license, be a fighter pilot.
Gonna leave this planet with its dreary gloom.
Lookin’ for space and freedom to zoom!
Gonna hang onto this new hope.
How can I ditch this cranky old dope?

Uncle Owen
Is a podunk and provincial pain.
I’ll go clean the droids,
But I’m annoyed
‘Cause I’ve got converters on the brain.

Uncle Owen!
He’s a grumpy, domineering guy,
And it’s hardly grand
To work his land
When my heart is set upon the sky.

Tatooine is nothing but bland,
Just a rock full of womp rats and sand.

So when I claim,
“Blech!  I hate this farming game,”
I’m also saying,
“You cramp my style, Uncle Owen.
Uncle Owen, you’re lame!”

Uncle Owen!
Can’t believe he ever was a teen.  (Uncle Owen!)
Now he always bores
And doles out chores
‘Cause he’s dull and dusty, and he’s mean!

Uncle Owen
Only thinks of mouths he has to feed,
And unlike Aunt Beru,
He has no clue
That adventure’s what I really need.

This isn’t the life I have planned.
Oh, no!  Any day now, I’m taking a stand.
Gotta fly, gotta fly, gotta fly,
Gotta fly, gotta fly, gotta fly...

So when I claim,
“Blech!  I hate this farming game,”
I’m also saying,
“You cramp my style, Uncle Owen.
Uncle Owen, you are lame!”

Uncle Owen, Uncle Owen, Uncle Owen, Uncle Owen...

Tatooine is nothing but bland,
Just a rock full of womp rats and sand.

And when I claim,
“Blech!  I hate this farming game,”
I’m also saying,
“You cramp my style, Uncle Owen.
Uncle Owen,
You’re lame!  I’m ticked, and you’re to blame!”
Uncle Owen!
Blech!

Those Twins (Belle, Alan Menken / Howard Ashman)

I've never been much good at practical jokes, so I thought I'd acknowledge the first of April with a tribute to my favorite pranksters, to the tune of Belle from Beauty and the Beast.  Here's to you, Fred and George!  Happy April Fools' Day!

Those Twins

[The sun rises on the Burrow on a summer day in 1993]
Ginny: Little house.
It's a tiny cottage.
Ron: Could be dull
As Professor Binns.
Percy: But this house
Full of red-haired people
Is in disarray...

Molly: Those twins!
Percy: Those twins!
Molly: Those twins!
Percy: Those twins!
Molly and Percy: Those twins!

Fred: (peeks from around corner)
There goes our brother with his badge like always.
How can he walk with that big head?
George: You would think he’d know my name
Since we live here in the same
Overpopulated house... (goes into kitchen)

Spoken
Percy: Good morning, Fred!
George: ‘Morning, Perce!
Percy: Where‘s George?
George: Upstairs.  Starting to smell up there; I think he just set off some dungbombs in your bedroom, and -
Percy: That George...  Mother!  I’ll show him...  Mother!
(George leaves and dashes off laughing with Fred)

[in a Hogwarts corridor, that fall]
Filch: Look, there they go.  Those boys are brats, no question.
They strut around with cheeky grins,
But their antics aren’t allowed.
Since they first came here, I’ve vowed
To revive the old deterrents for those twins.

McGonagall: They liven up Transfiguration.
Snape: Those hooligans!  They cause me strife.
Flitwick: Their flair for Charms is quite extensive.
I’ve never taught such students in my life!

[approaching Ludo Bagman at the Yule Ball, winter of '94]
Spoken
Ludo: Ah, boys!
Fred: Good evening! 
George: We'd like to request the funds you promised.
Ludo: Bugging me still, boys? 
George: Look, that was all our savings!
Fred: We'll give you another trick wand...
Ludo: You're too young to gamble anyway!
Fred: Ha!  That's not what you said at the World Cup!
Ludo: World Cup...  Well, I had a lot on my mind!
George: Well, we have a lot of tricks up our sleeves!
Fred: Canary Creams -
George: Ton-Tongue Toffees -
Fred: All sorts of stuff, but we need supplies!
Ludo: Say, boys, isn't that your brother headed this way?
Fred and George: Oh, blast!
Ludo: Toodle-oo!
Fred: We'll see you...
George: See you very soon!

[Gryffindor common room]
Hermione: The twins are whispering.  It's so peculiar;
They're always making so much noise!
As I pore over my book,
I will just steal a quick look.
Oh, I wonder what they're up to now, those boys...

[on the Hogwarts Express at the end of the school year]
Fred: George, isn't this amazing?
We can start that joke shop, you and me.
George: And when it's up and running,
We'll let Harry take his pick of merchandise for free!

[at Grimmauld Place, late summer of '95]
Molly: I'm putting both of you on clean-up duty.
Go empty out the rubbish bins.
Fred: Here's a cheerful little thought -
We'll recover what she got.
Oh, she'll never get the best of me.
George: No, she won't get the best of me.
Molly: Oh, they won't get the best of me, those twins!

[a few days later, huddled around Ron's Hogwarts letter]
Spoken
George: No way!
Fred: No one in their right mind would make Ron a prefect!
George: (to Harry) We thought Dumbledore was bound to pick you!
Fred: I guess you've caused too much trouble.  Good for you!
George: Bad for us.  Mum's going to be revolting.
Fred and George: (chanting) Ickle Ronnie Prefect, ickle Ronnie Prefect...
Fred: At least one of you's got their priorities right.

Hermione: Can you believe this, Ron?  We'll both be prefects.
These two had best tone down their sins.
Molly: Now with any luck you will be a Head Boy just like Bill.
What a shame it didn't rub off on the twins...

[in the Great Hall at Hogwarts, fall]
Fred: We have no use for school achievements.
George: We have our O.W.L.s, so who needs N.E.W.T.s?
Fred: It won't be long before we leave this,
But first we've got to find some test recruits.

[in the Gryffindor Common Room, where first-years are sampling Skiving Snackboxes]
George: Pastilles!
Fred: They're good!
George: They're safe!
Hermione: They're not!
Fred: No harm in puking!
George: Nougats are tops!
Hermione: Nosebleeds!
Fred: So what?
George: They're fine!
Fred: You'll see!
Hermione: Not on your life!
George: What can you do?
Hermione: I'll write -
Fred: Oh, no -
Hermione: Your mum!
George: Not her!
Hermione: You need rebuking.
Fred: Now that's just low!
Hermione: One warning.  Just one warning!

[back at the Burrow]
Arthur: I think their tricks are funny, but my wife...
Molly: Those boys will never get ahead in life!

[at Hogwarts, spring of '96, as Fred and George make their grand exit]
Fred: I think we've had enough of education.
Time for our real lives to begin!
Students: Though we hate to see them go,
There's one thing that we know:
They are on their way to great careers.
Hermione: Unusual but great careers.
Students: They're on their way to great careers,
Those twins!

Meet the Nerds (Feed the Birds, Robert and Richard Sherman)

Here's a combination of two of my favorite things: Mary Poppins (Feed the Birds in particular) and Star Trek!

Meet the Nerds

Late in the day, the convention is still
A-bustle with Trekkers galore.
They have come a long way in the hopes that they will
Meet with the crew they adore.

Some of the little nerds
Clutch teddy bears
Wearing a uniform shirt.
They've practiced the Vulcan
Salute with great care.
Have a heart. Don't treat them like dirt.

Meet the nerds, Leonard Nimoy
And Bill Shatner. Don't be annoyed.
Meet the nerds, poor geeky guys
With pointy ears and visor-clad eyes.

All around the convention the red-shirts and Klingons
Line up just to shake your hands.
Please don't try to flee it.
Keep signing and smiling.
It means everything to those fans.

Though you hate when they question you
On things of which you haven't a clue,
Meet the nerds, Leonard Nimoy
And Bill Shatner. Don't be annoyed.

Though you hate when they question you
On things of which you haven't a clue,
Meet the nerds, Leonard Nimoy
And Bill Shatner. Don't be annoyed.

My Favorite Cheese (My Favorite Things, Richard Rodgers / Oscar Hammerstein)

Another song attempting to break the poets' curious silence on the subject of cheese, this time to the tune of My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music.

My Favorite Cheese

Feta and Cheddar, Romano, Ricotta.
I am so hungry, I want a whole lotta
Colby or Swiss. Maybe it's a disease,
But I can't decide on my favorite cheese.

Jack, Asiago and warm Mozzarella.
If it rained cheese, I'd not take an umbrella.
I love to catch that fair scent on the breeze.
I can't decide on my favorite cheese.

Blue cheese and cream cheese and cheese just for snackin'.
That's what I want when my hunger's attackin'.
If I'm around, won't you give me some, please?
I can't decide on my favorite cheese.

I love dairy! "Give me more, please"
Is what I have said.
Present me with 'most any manner of cheese
And then I will be well fed.