Don't Know When I'll Go Out Again (Leavin' on a Jet Plane, John Denver)

Upon realizing that I had not yet parodied John Denver, I decided I needed to correct this situation, though curiously all my attempts thus far involve food... I'm one of those people who can't seem to eat anything without dropping food on the floor, myself or someone else. So I'm a slob sympathizer. Here's my lament to the tune of Leaving on a Jet Plane.

Don't Know When I'll Go Out Again

All my silverware is next to my plate.
I'm looking prim. My back is straight.
I'm wearing the most elegant of clothes.
But the food is coming. I quake in fear.
I'll do something dumb just as soon as it's here.
When it arrives, well, what do you suppose?

You dressed me, but look at me!
I'm as messy as can be!
Lap full of pop and General Tso.
My sleeve is dipped in chow mein.
Don't know when I'll go out again.
I'm such a slob, you know!

Oh, I didn't mean to let you down.
Don't stare at me and wear that frown.
Oops! I just dropped another chicken wing.
Every morsel that lies on the floor
Is a morsel I have dropped before.
Neat eating is a very tricky thing.

You dressed me, but look at me!
I'm as messy as can be!
Lap full of pop and General Tso.
My sleeve is dipped in chow mein.
Don't know when I'll go out again.
I'm such a slob, you know!

Now the time has come to leave
A check, and well, would you believe
I managed to get duck sauce on that too?
Do you dream of days you've known
When you have eaten meals alone
Without me there to embarrass you?

You dressed me, but look at me!
I'm as messy as can be!
Lap full of pop and General Tso.
My sleeve is dipped in chow mein.
Don't know when I'll go out again.
I'm such a slob, you know!

My Favorite Cheese (My Favorite Things, Richard Rodgers / Oscar Hammerstein)

Another song attempting to break the poets' curious silence on the subject of cheese, this time to the tune of My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music.

My Favorite Cheese

Feta and Cheddar, Romano, Ricotta.
I am so hungry, I want a whole lotta
Colby or Swiss. Maybe it's a disease,
But I can't decide on my favorite cheese.

Jack, Asiago and warm Mozzarella.
If it rained cheese, I'd not take an umbrella.
I love to catch that fair scent on the breeze.
I can't decide on my favorite cheese.

Blue cheese and cream cheese and cheese just for snackin'.
That's what I want when my hunger's attackin'.
If I'm around, won't you give me some, please?
I can't decide on my favorite cheese.

I love dairy! "Give me more, please"
Is what I have said.
Present me with 'most any manner of cheese
And then I will be well fed.

I Love Cheese (I Love Trash, Joe Raposo)

A song in response to the distressing quote "The poets have been curiously silent on the subject of cheese," to the tune of Oscar the Grouch's I Love Trash.

I Love Cheese

Well, Camembert carries a certain appeal,
And Gouda is good to digest with a meal.
Just what do those holes in the Swiss cheese reveal?
I love it because it's cheese!

Oh, I love cheese.
Anything gorgeously gloppy and oozy.
'Long as it's cheese, I don't need to be choosy.
Oh, I love cheese!

Tortillas are better with Cheddar, I say,
And Muenster's worth munching throughout the whole day.
Oh, I would be blue if you threw Blue away.
I love it because it's cheese!

Oh, I love cheese.
Anything melty and artery-clogging.
'Long as it's cheese, that is what I'll be hogging.
Oh, I love cheese!

I'd never say no to a nice Provolone,
And Parmesan's perfect on pizzas. I'm known
To eat a whole bag of Cojack on my own.
I love it because it's cheese!

Oh, I love cheese.
Anything classified clearly as dairy.
Life without cheese would be sad and just scary.
Oh, I love, I love, I love cheese!