The Sight of Sarah (The Sound of Silence)

All right, after a long hiatus, here is my first attempt at a new parody, this one about Chuck, which didn't take long to join the upper ranks of my favorite TV shows. I figure this is sometime mid-season one, and Morgan, having had some sort of late-night emergency demanding a one-on-one with his best friend, comes over, waking Chuck from a vivid dream involving Sarah. This is Chuck's inner monologue, which he can't say aloud because Morgan doesn't know about his spy life and won't say aloud because he doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

Anyway, I'm a little rusty, but here's my first parody of 2011, to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence.

The Sight of Sarah

Hello, Morgan, my old friend.
You’ve come to talk to me again.
You couldn’t wait till I stopped sleeping.
Cracked my window and came creeping.
Listen, buddy, you don’t mean to be a pain
Or a drain,
But I am stuck on Sarah.

In blissful dreams we walked alone,
Undisturbed by Casey’s phone.
I felt distant from the daily grind
Of seeking secrets locked inside my mind
Till my eyes were dazed with a flash – not a flash of fright,
But of delight –
At just the sight of Sarah.

I knew right then I wanted more
Than herding nerds in Big Mike’s store,
More than staying inside the car,
More than what I have tried so far,
More than, up till now, I ever would have dared.
I prepared
To spill my guts to Sarah.

Foolish? Maybe. Even so,
I just had to let her know.
Maybe if I said it in my head,
From the safety of my own bed,
I could speak the truth in life as well.
You know how hard I fell
For Sarah…

So I practiced and I prayed,
But confession was delayed
When she vanished with no warning,
And I saw that it was morning.
More specifically, Morgan, I looked at my watch, and it was 4:02,
And staring at you
Just can’t quite match the sight of Sarah.

Our Little Girl (My Little Town, Paul Simon)

I've been participating in an online discussion of the Harry Potter books, and recently a few of us commented on how strange this whole experience must be for Hermione's parents.  We barely see them throughout the series - and they barely see her, especially after the third book.  Here's a reflection from their perspective to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's My Little Town.

Our Little Girl

Well, our little girl,
She always is leaving.
We scarcely see her at all.
Oh, it would mean so much to us
If she would just stay here till the fall.
Boy, she's getting tall!
Our little girl.

Since she went to that school,
Flying on broomsticks and taking Arithmancy,
Our lives are defined by
Waiting for owls on a howling breeze.

She eases our pain with her parchment,
Her escapades shining in black,
But long letters cannot compare
To that precious presence we lack.
Wish that she would come back here.
Our little girl.
Our little girl.
Our little girl.

Wish the wizards hadn't whisked away our little girl!
Wish the wizards hadn't whisked away our little girl!

Well, our little girl
Was always a loner, but she's found some faithful chums.
Maybe we're greedy,
Maybe we're needy,
Thinkin' as we linger over patients' puffy gums

That we wish the wizards hadn't whisked away our little girl.
Wish the wizards hadn't whisked away our little girl!
Wish the wizards hadn't whisked away our little girl!
Wish the wizards hadn't whisked away our little girl!
Wish the wizards hadn't whisked away our little girl!


My Little Town

Feelin' Lucky (Feelin' Groovy, Paul Simon)

Here's a ditty from Ron's perspective in the chapter Felix Felicis in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's Feelin' Groovy.

Feelin’ Lucky
So what? He spiked my juice;
The potion went to perfect use!
Just watch me block another goal.
Quidditch is fun;
I’m feelin’ lucky!
Felix Felicis leaves me
Feelin’ lucky.

Not a Chaser can defy me
And not a Quaffle will sail by me.
Fans have changed their rhyme for me.
“Hail, King Weasley!”
Feelin’ lucky!
“Weasley will not let the Quaffle in!”
Feelin’ lucky.

Well, I bet I could Beat and Chase as well as Keep.
I feel like I could play this game in my sleep.
All it took was a boost to my low self-esteem.
Thank you, Harry.
I’m so lucky!

Hogwarts Bound (Homeward Bound, Paul Simon)

Hogwarts was an integral part of the first six books, so it was strange to read through Deathly Hallows and not get to school until the end. It was strange for Ron and Harry too. Here, to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's Homeward Bound, is a song in which the two of them, realizing the rest of their class is on the way to school, wish that they were headed to Hogwarts...

Hogwarts Bound

Ron: I'm sittin' here in Padfoot's kitchen
Plotting locket theft and body-switchin'.
Harry: I am not a Horcrux fan.
I've seen how they affect a man.
Ron: I'd rather have a foolproof plan,
But if we can't do it, no one can.

Ron and Harry: Hogwarts bound,
I wish I was
Hogwarts bound.
Ron: School, with the Stinksap reekin'.
School, with the Mandrakes shriekin'.
Harry: School, where I'm swiftly Seekin'.
Feels like home to me.

Harry: After nights of creepy dreams,
I wake to hear Walburga's screams.
Ron: The elf's improved dramatically;
He's pleasant and he makes us tea.
Harry: I've got my friends for company,
But on the whole, I'd rather be

Ron and Harry: Hogwarts bound,
I wish I was
Hogwarts bound.
Ron: School, with the Stinksap reekin'.
School, with the Mandrakes shriekin'.
Harry: School, where I'm swiftly Seekin'.
Feels like home to me.

Ron: I might not board that train again.
It's such a shame how things end.
Harry: But I must press on doggedly
And fight for our democracy
While Death Eaters chase after me.
Ron: I hate that name that starts with "V"!

Ron and Harry: Hogwarts bound,
I wish I was
Hogwarts bound.
Ron: School, with the Stinksap reekin'.
School, with the Mandrakes shriekin'.
Harry: School, where I'm swiftly Seekin'.
Feels like home to me.
Feels like home to me.

Ugly Betty Waltz (America, Paul Simon)

One of my favorite shows this year has been Ugly Betty, the story of a sweet, spunky young woman who makes it in the vicious world of fashion magazines despite her very plain looks. America Ferrera creates a character ordinary girls can identify with and conveys the positive message that inner beauty is what's most important. I've missed a few episodes lately, but I'm hoping I can catch up before the season ends. This is one show I'll be glad to see again in the fall. Here's a tribute to Betty to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's America.

Ugly Betty Waltz

Let us discover the strength of a woman who's tethered,
Bound to a face that's immediately tagged,
In a haughty word, calamitous. Do haters realize
That we've come to look up to America?

Betty is frumpy, with ponchos and glasses, but with her,
Mode is a mag that can brag a lot now.
Splits her pay four ways, with nephew and sis and pa.
We all look up to America.

Laughing in her face
As she grins through her braces,
Marc won't admit that she has the most fabulous eyes.
Catty Amanda is bummed cuz she's working for Dan, her love.

We watch with interest. Though her predicament's painful,
Betty's the person who powers the show.
While her colleagues turn greener, she improves the magazine.
What a harvest her bold suggestions yield!

Betty's young boss has said that he wouldn't be keeping
His job if his aide wasn't right by his side.
Somehow the things that she does just turn out right.
We've come to look up to America.
We all look up to America.
We all look up to America.

Ode to the Ninja Turtles (Hazy Shade of Winter, Paul Simon)

I don't know if I'll catch the latest big-screen adventure of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while it's still in theaters, but I sure loved those heroes in a half-shell as a kid, so here's a tribute to them, to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's Hazy Shade of Winter.

Ode to the Ninja Turtles

Teens, teens, teens, foes of the Clan of Feet,
Love to lounge around beneath busy city streets
Chomping their favorite treats.

Deep underground,
They are found
With the wise, whiskered trainer they call Splinter.

On their heads they wear colored bands
With little holes for eyes.
It isn't much of a disguise.
It won't fool the clan,
But it sure helps out the fans.

Deep underground,
They are found
With the wise, whiskered trainer they call Splinter.

Raph is the reptile in red.
Often prone to falling prey
To bursts of rage, he starts each day,
It might well be said,
On the wrong side of the bed.

Leo's blue,
And he might
Lead the fight
With his sword that shines so bright.

Orange-clad Mikey's comedy
Is the height of hilarity.
"Cowabunga!" he shouts with glee
Whenever it's party time.

Purple Donatello sits
And makes the most of genius wits.
It suits him just fine
To draw up clever designs.

Deep underground,
They are found
With the wise, whiskered trainer they call Splinter.

Underground now,
So renowned,
Ninja Turtles sleep safe and sound.

So Wrong, Brothers Wright (So Long, Frank Lloyd Wright, Paul Simon)

Eighteen years ago, my uncle moved his family from Erie to Dayton, Ohio, site of the Wright-Patterson Air Force Base and hometown of the Wright Brothers. On a recent visit, my uncle remarked that the men made a big mistake when they decided to have their first flight in North Carolina. That comment inspired this parody, a complaint by Dayton residents against the Wright Brothers for slighting their city, which is to the tune of So Long, Frank Lloyd Wright. (Incidentally, I'll be saying "hello" to the subject of that song when his latest album comes out tomorrow; keep an eye out for the review, which will mark number 1000 for me here!)

So Wrong, Brothers Wright

So wrong, Brothers Wright,
Choosing to leave Ohio's skies so blue
The first time that you flew.
So blue, so blue.

We remember, Brothers Wright;
North Carolina's taunted us so long.
We've never been so wronged.
So wrong, so wrong.

Innovations come and innovators owe
Their hometowns the respect they're due.
Dayton's waitin'.
Why Kitty Hawk? We wish we knew.

So wrong, Brothers Wright.
North Carolina's taunted us so long.
We've never been so wronged.
So wrong, so wrong.

A Most Unique Young Man (A Most Peculiar Man, Paul Simon)

Here's a little rumination by Lionel, circa... oh, I guess the second half of season three, to the tune of A Most Peculiar Man.

A Most Unique Young Man

He is a most unique young man.
That's what Alexander said, and he should know.
He is a friend of his.
He said he is a most unique young man.

He is a most unique young man.
He was all alone when he saved Lex,
Who would have drowned if not for him.
A most unique young man.

He loves his friends, he loves his folks -
And who wouldn't love saintly Martha Kent,
With her gentle spirit and her crimson hair?
But she covers for him.
Oh, yes, he is a most unique young man.

I've tried to find a way
To unlock the secret she's sworn to keep,
For she surely knows, but she won't give it up.
Would she maybe tell if she knew I'm doomed?
See, I'm convinced Clark holds the key to cure me somehow...
But it had better be soon.

He looks just like his dad
With those jeans and that plaid,
But isn't he a most unique young man?

Clark's Song (Kathy's Song, Paul Simon)

Chloe wound up being my favorite character in the fourth season of Smallville, and I especially loved the episode Blank, so here's a little reflection by her midway through the episode, to the tune of Kathy's Song.

Clark's Song

I see that someone fried your brain.
Who am I? You can't recall.
Your mind is a vacant thing,
Empty as this town is small.

So I hope that you don't mind,
But I thought it would be wise
To guide you safely through the streets
While you gaze with glassy eyes.

It's strange to see you so confused.
I never thought that I one day
Would have to tell Clark Kent the deep
Dark secret he would not relay.

I'm amazed when I think of the things you've done.
It makes me sad to know that I'm
Someone you had to deceive.
Please put your trust in me this time.

Although I know you have come to doubt
That your friends' intents are true,
I'm on your side, so please believe
I always will look out for you.

I don't know what's inside your brain,
Locked away where none can pry;
I only hope I will remain
Part of you that you cannot deny.

Rocks That Are Green (Leaves That Are Green, Paul Simon)

Finally, here's something about Clark Kent from his perspective. This one goes way back to the first episode of Smallville and is to the tune of Leaves That Are Green.

Rocks That Are Green

I have felt like an outsider for so long,
And now it turns out that my hunch wasn't wrong.
I'm feeling down.
There are rocks that are green in this town,
And I'm flimsy as the wind
When I hold them in my hand.

Now my heart is filled with the love of a girl.
I can't get close, though, for at the very sight
Of her necklace I turn white.
There are rocks that are green in this town,
And I'm flimsy as the wind
When I hold them in my hand.

I'm shaken up because I took
The roof off Lex's car today.
Without me, he would have drowned.
There are rocks that are green in this town,
And I'm flimsy as the wind
When I hold them in my hand.

How far will these strange powers go?
I'd rather be a normal guy.
That's all I want.
There are rocks that are green in this town,
And I'm flimsy as the wind
When I hold them in my hand.

My Face Is Burning (A Church Is Burning, Paul Simon)

It's been really sunny here. Which is good, unless you happen to be out in the sun for hours at a time with no protection, as I was a couple weeks ago when I went to the Erie Air Show. I imagine this is a problem for a lot of people, and it seems like teenagers are especially inclined to wind up burnt... Anyway, here's a summery parody of Simon and Garfunkel's A Church is Burning.

My Face is Burning

My face is burning.
My skin grows brighter
Because I am playing
When the sun is high.
Because I am playing,
My red face is saying
If I don't come prepared,
I'll be burnt as can be.

Three-seventeen. I'm determined to keep
Going with the game, though the penalty is steep.
When I was home only hours before,
My mother warned me and
Tried to adorn me with
Sunblock, but I made a dash for the door.

My face is burning.
My skin grows brighter
Because I am playing
When the sun is high.
Because I am playing,
My red face is saying
If I don't come prepared,
I'll be burnt as can be.

Three-seventeen, and I'm still in the park.
I am troubled by the sight of my pigment growing dark.
I should have heeded her warning, but the fourth quarter remains,
And if I left now then I would have to forfeit the whole game.

My face is burning.
My skin grows brighter
Because I am playing
When the sun is high.
Because I am playing,
My red face is saying
If I don't come prepared,
I'll be burnt as can be.

When I go home, I will grumble and groan.
I'll blame my mom for letting me come out here all alone.
But I'm playing right now, so I guess that I can stand
Growing lobster-like with each tick of the second hand.

My face is burning.
My skin grows brighter
Because I am playing
When the sun is high.
Because I am playing,
My red face is saying
If I don't come prepared,
I'll be burnt as can be.

Rasputin (Cecilia, Paul Simon)

A parody of Simon and Garfunkel's Cecilia from the perspective of Bartok, Rasputin's obligatory animal sidekick in the Don Bluth movie Anastasia.

Rasputin

Master, you're making a mess,
I'm getting depressed looking at you.
Oh, Rasputin, you're falling apart,
Oh when did you start to decay?

Master, you're making a mess,
I'm getting depressed looking at you.
Oh, Rasputin, you're falling apart,
Oh when did you start to decay, to decay?

Wreaking havoc on Romanovs with Rasputin,
My eccentric boss (wreaking hav-
oc all day).
We had almost wrecked the place;
When I caught up with him, he was losing his face.

Master, you're making a mess,
I'm getting depressed looking at you.
Oh, Rasputin, you're falling apart,
Oh when did you start to decay, to decay?

Putrefaction, it's making me sick.
My leader's incredibly icky.
Putrefaction, it's making me sick.
My leader's incredibly icky...

Mr. Rosenbaum (Mrs. Robinson, Paul Simon)

A little ditty I wrote in honor of Michael Rosenbaum's 34th birthday.

Mr. Rosenbaum
 
And here's to you, Mr. Rosenbaum.
Your fans love you more than you may know, whoa whoa whoa!
God bless you please, Mr. Rosenbaum.
Lex will be redeemed by you someday, hey hey hey, hey hey, hey!

I'd like to know a little bit about you for my files.
I'd like to play Miss Sullivan herself.
Do you have a Luthor-like life, full of doubt and lies?
Somehow I suspect you have a happy home.

And here's to you, Mr. Rosenbaum.
Your fans love you more than you may know, whoa whoa whoa!
God bless you please, Mr. Rosenbaum.
Lex will be redeemed by you someday, hey hey hey, hey hey, hey!

Hope you have a birthday that is stunning, Mr. Rose.
If I could, I'd smuggle you some cupcakes.
Blow your candles out; you'll get your wish if life is fair.
You have granted them for so many sick kids.

Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mr. Rosenbaum.
Your fans love you more than you may know, whoa whoa whoa!
God bless you please, Mr. Rosenbaum.
Lex will be redeemed by you someday, hey hey hey, hey hey, hey!

Standing in a stadium on Sunday afternoon,
Looking mighty manly in those skates,
Laugh about it, shout about it,
How could you refuse?
When your heart is in it, you can't lose.

If you should go, Michael Rosenbaum,
The show would owe its swift demise to you, woo woo woo!
What's that you say, Mr. Rosenbaum?
You have no intent to go away? Hey hey hey, hey hey hey...

Mrs. Robinson