A Most Unique Young Man (A Most Peculiar Man, Paul Simon)

Here's a little rumination by Lionel, circa... oh, I guess the second half of season three, to the tune of A Most Peculiar Man.

A Most Unique Young Man

He is a most unique young man.
That's what Alexander said, and he should know.
He is a friend of his.
He said he is a most unique young man.

He is a most unique young man.
He was all alone when he saved Lex,
Who would have drowned if not for him.
A most unique young man.

He loves his friends, he loves his folks -
And who wouldn't love saintly Martha Kent,
With her gentle spirit and her crimson hair?
But she covers for him.
Oh, yes, he is a most unique young man.

I've tried to find a way
To unlock the secret she's sworn to keep,
For she surely knows, but she won't give it up.
Would she maybe tell if she knew I'm doomed?
See, I'm convinced Clark holds the key to cure me somehow...
But it had better be soon.

He looks just like his dad
With those jeans and that plaid,
But isn't he a most unique young man?

Metamorphosis

 Here's a poem addressing Lionel, inspired by one of my favorite Smallville episodes, Transference.

Metamorphosis

 

You were cunning and conniving.

You were suave and debonair,

And your fortunes were as thriving

As your lustrous locks of hair.

Then you harshly were reminded

You were fallible and weak.

So it was when you were blinded

That you first began to seek.

As you blundered in the darkness,

You endeavored to endure,

Probing enigmatic Clark

In hopes that he might hold your cure.

With fair Martha, you sought solace,

But she brushed aside your charms,

And your son became more callous

Though you offered open arms.

In long years of empty living,

Lex learned what you always taught:

That if he should be forgiving,

He would soon be cruelly caught.

When at last your eyes were opened,

You saw what you had to do.

Malice mingled with your hope

As your grim machinations grew.

Like a predator, you waited,

Never dreaming that the day

Soon was dawning when the hated

Hunter would become the prey.

All at once, the balance shifted

And your wealth was meaningless.

Your disease would not be lifted;

You were bathed in bitterness.

Ragged fear and desperation

Carved out craters in your face

As you seethed in caged frustration,

Wholly haggard and disgraced.

There was vitriolic fervor

In your plot to stay alive.

Though the Kent boy had the nerve to

Thwart you, through him, you'll survive.

Now the mysteries that plagued you

Are spread out before your eyes,

But that isn't all he gave you,

And you tremble in surprise.

He restored your health and vigor,

And although that was your goal,

He did something so much bigger.

Clark Kent gave you back your soul.

Lionel (Silver Bells, Jay Livingston / Ray Evans)

Here is yet another Smallville parody, to the tune Silver Bells, which was once my favorite Christmas carol and still ranks pretty high. No particular moment correlates with this one, but sometime before the end of season three.

Lionel

You have black locks,
And Lex lacks locks,
But he echoes your style
With his suits that convey elite crispness.
You are passing
On your lasting
Legacy of great guile.
You're creating a villain to fear.

Lionel, Lionel.
Your life of crime is a pity.
You have been stained by sin,
And it will haunt you someday.

If he knew right,
He could do right,
But so far all he's seen
From his father is vice without measure.
It is my hunch
You've a big bunch
Of regret, so come clean.
You're a broken man under that sneer.

Lionel, Lionel.
Your life of crime is a pity.
You have been stained by sin,
And it will haunt you someday.

Clark's Song (Kathy's Song, Paul Simon)

Chloe wound up being my favorite character in the fourth season of Smallville, and I especially loved the episode Blank, so here's a little reflection by her midway through the episode, to the tune of Kathy's Song.

Clark's Song

I see that someone fried your brain.
Who am I? You can't recall.
Your mind is a vacant thing,
Empty as this town is small.

So I hope that you don't mind,
But I thought it would be wise
To guide you safely through the streets
While you gaze with glassy eyes.

It's strange to see you so confused.
I never thought that I one day
Would have to tell Clark Kent the deep
Dark secret he would not relay.

I'm amazed when I think of the things you've done.
It makes me sad to know that I'm
Someone you had to deceive.
Please put your trust in me this time.

Although I know you have come to doubt
That your friends' intents are true,
I'm on your side, so please believe
I always will look out for you.

I don't know what's inside your brain,
Locked away where none can pry;
I only hope I will remain
Part of you that you cannot deny.

Martha

Martha

Martha is a marvelous homemaker,

The keeper of an always cozy house,

An extraordinary cookie baker,

An utterly impressive mom and spouse.

Martha’s made her home a sanctuary,

A formidable fortress of a farm

Where those of ill intentions dare not tarry.

She will not let her family come to harm.

Her son has grown to be a man of merit

Possessing skills she cannot understand.

Yet her compassion was his to inherit

When she tenderly took his tiny hands.

His origins, his blood give him his power,

But strength developed underneath her gaze.

Since that grim day of the meteor shower,

They've saved each other in so many ways.

Devoted to the husband who adores her

And to the son they've nurtured as their own,

She doesn't know what dangers lie in store for

The boy alien to his very bone.

But Martha's earned the name that she was given,

Exhibiting great faith and fortitude.

She's made her home a perfect one to live in

With comforts far beyond mere warmth and food.

She taught the teen whose hands have lifted boulders,

And she's the one he always will turn to

While carrying the town upon his shoulders,

For Martha is a Martha through and through.

Rocks That Are Green (Leaves That Are Green, Paul Simon)

Finally, here's something about Clark Kent from his perspective. This one goes way back to the first episode of Smallville and is to the tune of Leaves That Are Green.

Rocks That Are Green

I have felt like an outsider for so long,
And now it turns out that my hunch wasn't wrong.
I'm feeling down.
There are rocks that are green in this town,
And I'm flimsy as the wind
When I hold them in my hand.

Now my heart is filled with the love of a girl.
I can't get close, though, for at the very sight
Of her necklace I turn white.
There are rocks that are green in this town,
And I'm flimsy as the wind
When I hold them in my hand.

I'm shaken up because I took
The roof off Lex's car today.
Without me, he would have drowned.
There are rocks that are green in this town,
And I'm flimsy as the wind
When I hold them in my hand.

How far will these strange powers go?
I'd rather be a normal guy.
That's all I want.
There are rocks that are green in this town,
And I'm flimsy as the wind
When I hold them in my hand.

He's a Villain (Rhymes and Reasons, John Denver)

Here's another parody about Lex Luthor, pertaining specifically to the episode Shattered in the third season and to the tune of Rhymes and Reasons.

He's a Villain

So you speak to me of madness,
And you claim my mind is splintered.
Fear is deep within you now
That I'm at my wit's end.

And it seems I must escape you
If you think that I've turned rotten,
But in truth, I really need you now.
Don't you know you're my best friend?

And that place Dad wants me going...
It's a crime! Yes, it is treason!
I'd go after him except
Then I fear I would begin
To be a cold, unfeeling villain
With an endless lust for power just like him.

He's a villain, and his power
Never made him a good father.
My life was filled with loneliness
Until that fateful day
I met you. I never doubted
He would always cause me pain, so
If you care about my future,
Don't let him put me away.

Well, I know my world would crumble
If my father's cronies found us.
It's hard to sit here waiting
When I know they're after me!

Oh, he thinks that he's so clever,
And he's sure he can deceive us,
But you've known right from the start
The sort of man he'll always be.
He has never been worth trusting;
Clark, I'm certain you can see

He's a villain. All his power
Never made him a good father.
My life was filled with loneliness
Until that fateful day
That you saved me. Now I'm clinging
To the hope that you believe me.
Please don't let him find us.
Save my life again today.

Sullivan (Harrigan, George M. Cohan)

I finally started watching season four of Smallville, and I am pumped! Annoyingly, though, this is the season that marks the debut of Lois Lane. I like her cousin Chloe ever so much better. Why couldn't Clark fall for her instead? Here's a little rant by her, circa the end of season two, to the tune of Harrigan.

Sullivan

Who always bends over backwards to be your friend?
Sullivan, that's me!
Who is the gal wishing you would just get a clue?
Sullivan, that's me!
You frustrate me, Farm Boy. Why can't you see
I always will love you devotedly?
Who is in love with the flannel-clad superman?
Sullivan, that's me!

S - U - double L - I - V - A- N spells Sullivan.
Wishing someday you would really see me.
You're my best friend but I still think you're dreamy.
S - U - double L - I - V - A - N, you see.
It's a shame that my name's not the one that you dream about.
Sullivan, that's me!

Who is the girl getting chummy with Lionel?
Sullivan, that's me!
Who thinks that you have a secret that you won't tell?
Sullivan, that's me!
I'm curious, Clark, and can you blame me?
You're just as tight-lipped as a boy can be.
Who'd help a Luthor to investigate the truth?
Sullivan, that's me!

S - U - double L - I - V - A- N spells Sullivan.
Wishing someday you would really see me.
You're my best friend but I still think you're dreamy.
S - U - double L - I - V - A - N, you see.
It's a shame that my name's not the one that you dream about.
Sullivan, that's me!

Somebody Shaved Me! (Save Me, Remy Zero)

I have come nearly to the end of my parody-writing streak. Well, this one, anyway, though I'm having so much fun I don't plan to stop. However, my goal was 52 parodies by today, and this is number 51. Actually, it's number 56, since there were a few I decided not to post here and I wrote five more to make up for it. That being said...

This all started with Smallville, since the first in this string of parodies was my way of conveying birthday greetings to Michael Rosenbaum, as was the second. So this parody, to the tune of Save Me (which is, conveniently enough, Smallville's theme song), brings me full circle with the unofficial beginning of this project. I still haven't gotten past season three, by the way; it's just been too busy a summer for that. But my brother assures me that Lionel is the best part of the fourth season, so I can't wait to see that. I just wish I could see that beautiful hair again too...

Somebody Shaved Me!

I see my tresses touching his cold hands.
I see the locks that brought such great pride.

I can't help but wonder
If that hair helped me to get what I want - oh,
At least, what I wanted.
With nowhere to go but down,
I hit the ground.

Somebody shaved me!
Now my mane is gone forever.
Somebody shaved me!
It was a cruel endeavor.
I'm prey, prey...
Come on,
What a mean thing to do!

When did my son develop a black heart?
He would prefer it if I died.

I can't help but wonder
If he wants all the same things that I want - oh,
At least, what I wanted.
With nowhere to go but down,
I hit the ground.

Somebody shaved me!
Now my mane is gone forever.
Somebody shaved me!
It was a cruel endeavor.
I'm prey, prey...
Come on,
What a mean thing to do!

I am lost, but what I've found
Could shake that town.

Somebody shaved me!
Now my mane is gone forever.
Somebody shaved me!
It was a cruel endeavor.
I'm prey! (He hates me!)
The whole world once was mine, it's true...
I'm prey, prey...
Come on...
Why did I say, "Thank you"?

The Wreck of a Bald Anti-Hero (The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, Gordon Lightfoot)

Another Smallville song dealing with the fascinating Lex Luthor, to the tune of Gordon Lightfoot's The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

The Wreck of a Bald Anti-Hero

The legend lives on from Metropolis on down
To the little old town they call Smallville.
Lex Luthor, it's told, was worth mountains of gold,
But he hungered for truth somethin' awful.

With a gorgeous castle and dozens of acres of land,
You would reckon that Lex would be cozy.
But he'd trade his wealth for a little more stealth,
For above all else, that guy is nosy.

He was in the dark about his good buddy Clark,
But he slowly became more suspicious.
Each time Clark acted strange, their relationship changed
Until Lex's intentions grew vicious.

Concluding their friendship, he had to pretend
That their brotherhood meant very little.
He wanted to fight, to square off against
The enigma wrapped up in a riddle.

Green Kryptonite carried a palpable threat
To the man called "super" by masses.
As soon as Lex knew, he concocted a few
Nasty plans while he wooed luscious lasses.

His dad was distant and his mother was missed,
For she died when he was a teenager.
He suffered abuse, but that's no excuse
To become an unruly rampager.

When slumber time came, the old dreams would begin,
Bringing with them strange visions and phantoms.
His father would hover - in loathing, not love;
His revulsion made Lex fear the sandman.

"I'm captain," he said, as he shivered in his bed,
"Of my destiny. Nothing to fear."
Oh, he should have abandoned his fanatical plans,
That poor wreck of a bald anti-hero.

Does anyone know where man's decency goes
When the years turn a friend to a rival?
How much must he pay at the end of the day
For his desperate quest for survival?

It might've been fate or it might've been choice -
It might've been both things together -
That caused him to turn. Is there still time yet to learn?
Is he doomed to be evil forever?

Superman soars; his purpose is clear
In the midst of his unending zoomin'.
His alien heart has been from the start
Just as wholesome as though he were human.

And on the Kent farm lives a country marm
Whose soul is so perfectly saintly,
She can still see some good in Lex where no one else could,
Be it ever so terribly faintly.

In the musty old barn where Clark used to reside
With the folks he called father and mother,
One long-gone day, he heard Lex earnestly say,
"Clark, you're better than any blood brother."

The legend lives on from Metropolis on down
To the little old town they call Smallville.
Lex Luthor, it is told, had a heart made of gold,
But his hunger for truth made him awful...

Rosenbaum (Kodachrome, Paul Simon)

A second birthday tribute to Michael Rosenbaum on his 34th birthday.


Rosenbaum

When I think back on all the channels I have surfed through,
It's a wonder I can think at all.
Still, my lack of classy TV hasn't hurt me none
Just as long as Smallville's back this fall.

Rosenbaum,
His head is so nice and shiny,
His acting skills are divine,
He makes us think Lex just might turn out okay, oh yeah.
I've got a television,
I love to watch an episode,
So Warner, don't take Mike Rosenbaum away.

If you took all the guys who ever played a villain
And brought them all together for one night,
I know that Mike's performance would be most fulfillin'.
Enemies are worse when black and white.

Rosenbaum,
His head is so nice and shiny,
His acting skills are divine,
He makes us think Lex just might turn out okay, oh yeah.
I've got a television,
I love to watch an episode,
So Warner, don't take Mike Rosenbaum away.

Mr. Rosenbaum (Mrs. Robinson, Paul Simon)

A little ditty I wrote in honor of Michael Rosenbaum's 34th birthday.

Mr. Rosenbaum
 
And here's to you, Mr. Rosenbaum.
Your fans love you more than you may know, whoa whoa whoa!
God bless you please, Mr. Rosenbaum.
Lex will be redeemed by you someday, hey hey hey, hey hey, hey!

I'd like to know a little bit about you for my files.
I'd like to play Miss Sullivan herself.
Do you have a Luthor-like life, full of doubt and lies?
Somehow I suspect you have a happy home.

And here's to you, Mr. Rosenbaum.
Your fans love you more than you may know, whoa whoa whoa!
God bless you please, Mr. Rosenbaum.
Lex will be redeemed by you someday, hey hey hey, hey hey, hey!

Hope you have a birthday that is stunning, Mr. Rose.
If I could, I'd smuggle you some cupcakes.
Blow your candles out; you'll get your wish if life is fair.
You have granted them for so many sick kids.

Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mr. Rosenbaum.
Your fans love you more than you may know, whoa whoa whoa!
God bless you please, Mr. Rosenbaum.
Lex will be redeemed by you someday, hey hey hey, hey hey, hey!

Standing in a stadium on Sunday afternoon,
Looking mighty manly in those skates,
Laugh about it, shout about it,
How could you refuse?
When your heart is in it, you can't lose.

If you should go, Michael Rosenbaum,
The show would owe its swift demise to you, woo woo woo!
What's that you say, Mr. Rosenbaum?
You have no intent to go away? Hey hey hey, hey hey hey...

Mrs. Robinson