Moria (Today, Randy Sparks)

Gimli sings the praises of Balin and Moria to Legolas to the tune of John Denver's Today.

Moria

Today, in the kingdom that they call a mine,
We’ll find sanctuary and lavishly dine.
The tests of tomorrow are ages away;
Balin the valiant will host us in style today.

Legolas, let me assure you that no one
In all of your halls where the Elven lords sing
Can rival the heart of that cousin of Gloin.
Truly he’s the noblest of kings.

Today, in the kingdom that they call a mine,
We’ll rest - once the wizard can work out this sign.
The tests of tomorrow are ages away;
Balin the valiant will host us in style today.

His deeds are recounted in old Bilbo’s story,
Well-known to the hobbit who’s bearing the Ring.
Come, let us meander through Moria’s glory;
Beauty is not just an Elf thing.

Today, in the kingdom that they call a mine,
We’ll marvel at mithril so fluid and fine.
The tests of tomorrow are ages away;
Balin the valiant will host us in style today.

Today, in the kingdom that they call a mine,
We’ll find sanctuary and lavishly dine.
The tests of tomorrow are ages away;
Balin the valiant will host us in style today.

Silly Toad (Take Me Home Country Roads, John Denver / Bill Danoff / Taffy Nivert)

Here is a parody... that isn't about LOST! Yes, I'm breaking out of my rut with a little Harry Potter. To the tune of John Denver's Take Me Home Country Roads, it focuses on Hermione's search for Neville's toad, Trevor, on the way to Hogwarts in Sorcerer's Stone. It's nice, I think, that these two were evidently each other's first friends at the school. They're both outcasts of sorts, on opposite ends of the spectrum; Hermione's a brilliant young witch born to Muggles, while Neville comes from a well-respected wizarding family but boasts very little magical ability, at least in the beginning. It's fortunate they found each other. Incidentally, writing this on an empty stomach and thinking about all those goodies from the Hogwarts Express refreshment cart has set my tummy rumbling...

Silly Toad

Where is Trevor? He was in our
Train compartment when we ate our dinner.
I must scold. Where could that scoundrel be?
Neville, you can count on lots of help from me.

Silly toad, why'd you roam?
Just obey Neville Longbottom's wishes.
Spare him trauma.
Why'd you roam, silly toad?

Neville's memory tends to flounder.
He'll get aid from this young Muggle daughter.
If he trusts me, if he's not too shy,
I am sure we'll soon find that small, slimy guy.

Silly toad, why'd you roam?
Just obey Neville Longbottom's wishes.
Spare him trauma.
Why'd you roam, silly toad?

We have no choice. If we search for him and call him,
Then maybe he'll be kind and let a croak guide our way.
Looking for a toad from floor to ceiling
Isn't how I planned to spend my day,
Spend my day...

Silly toad, why'd you roam?
Just obey Neville Longbottom's wishes.
Spare him trauma.
Why'd you roam, silly toad?

Silly toad, why'd you roam?
Just obey Neville Longbottom's wishes.
Spare him trauma.
Why'd you roam, silly toad?

Why'd you roam, silly toad?
Why'd you roam, silly toad?

That Little Car (This Old Guitar, John Denver)

I adore Herbie, that little VW with the 53 on the side who starred in several triumphantly corny movies. Not such a big fan of Jim Douglas, his arrogant owner. Here, with a little help from John Denver's This Old Guitar, I imagine him years into the future, reflecting upon the car that he gave up. He probably needn't feel too despondent, though; he may not be able to hang onto a woman for long, but somehow Herbie always seems to wind up back in his hands...

That Little Car

That little car helped me to win a trophy.
He showed me that I was a selfish guy.
He got me through the town in record time,
Beep-beeping all the way.
Who would have thought that Tennessee was right?
Oh, I was such a fool, for Tennessee was right.

That little car gave me a lovely lady,
Although her boss became my enemy.
I can't remember whether
He made us drift apart;
I'm guessing you can chalk that up to me.
What a bummer it was putting up with me.

That little car made me start really living.
Maybe I've backslid a time or two,
But every time I start to whine,
I recall that car with pride.
Herb, you were a driver's dream come true.
You were a driver's dream come true.
Yes, you were, you know,
You were a driver's dream come true.

The Beagle and Woodstock (The Eagle and the Hawk, John Denver)

I love Peanuts, especially Snoopy and Woodstock. Here's a tribute to them to the tune of John Denver's The Eagle and the Hawk.

The Beagle and Woodstock

Snoopy: Oh, I am the beagle, I sit on my doghouse
And type tales that people will clamor to buy.

Woodstock: I am Woodstock, and I have yellow feathers.
I'm so small I tumble when I try to fly.
Although I am puny, my good buddy Snoopy sees
I'm a fantastically fun little guy.

Both: Come dance near that blond kid who fawns over Beethoven,
Skate on the birdbath, drink root beer in bars.
Friends since '67, we couldn't be cuter;
We may get paid peanuts, but we're the strip's stars.

I Guess I'd Rather Be in Colorado (I Guess He'd Rather Be In Colorado, Bill Danoff / Taffy Navert)

Thursday is the ninth anniversary of John Denver's death, and as in years past, fans will make a pilgrimage to celebrate his life and music and the causes he stood for. I've got my heart set on going next year... We'll see how that goes. But for this year, I can only say I'm with them in spirit. To the tune of I Guess He'd Rather Be in Colorado...

I Guess I'd Rather Be in Colorado

I guess I'd rather be in Colorado.
I'd rather spend the twelfth out with a host of kindred souls who bless his name.
It's a shame I'm here in Erie.
It's a shame the weather's dreary
When the sky that day was clearer than a cowbell.

I guess I'd rather be in Colorado.
I'd rather write my poems on a dew-kissed mountain warmed by rays of sun
Where the one whose songs have touched me,
Where the one who gave so much
Became a man whose words are known the whole world over.

I guess I'd rather be in Colorado.

I guess I'd rather be in Colorado.
I guess I'd rather fly out to the state that gave a high to my old friend
Whose swift end was cruel and shocking,
Whose swift end was coolly mocked
By those who'll never see that he was here to help us.

I Came Here From Space (Looking for Space, John Denver)

John Denver's soul-searching anthem Looking for Space reminds me of Superman, so here's a parody circa the events of Superman Returns.

I Came Here From Space

I am growing experienced in trying to save the day,
Bringing truth, justice and this country's way.
I continue improving, driven by my goodwill,
Thwarting those who would seek to harm and kill.

Cuz I came here from space,
And they call me Superman.
Jor-El said that I'm part of a great plan.
Though it sometimes seems
That my life is unfair,
I'm bringing hope to the people
Each time I take to the air.

I have traveled the universe, hoping that I would see
Indications of what I'm meant to be.
Lost until I re-entered Earth's heavy atmosphere,
I heard its citizens crying out for me.

Cuz I came here from space,
And they call me Superman.
Jor-El said that I'm part of a great plan.
Though it sometimes seems
That my life is unfair,
I'm bringing hope to the people
Each time I take to the air.

I am growing experienced listening as they pray.
I hear them whisper, "He's back, and I hope he'll stay. I hope he'll stay.

Cuz he came here from space,
And I sure am glad he came,
Though I can't even say I know his name."
Though it oftentimes seems
That my life is unfair,
I'm bringing hope to the people
Each time I take to the air.
I'm bringing hope to the people,
To the people
When I'm flying high...

He's a Villain (Rhymes and Reasons, John Denver)

Here's another parody about Lex Luthor, pertaining specifically to the episode Shattered in the third season and to the tune of Rhymes and Reasons.

He's a Villain

So you speak to me of madness,
And you claim my mind is splintered.
Fear is deep within you now
That I'm at my wit's end.

And it seems I must escape you
If you think that I've turned rotten,
But in truth, I really need you now.
Don't you know you're my best friend?

And that place Dad wants me going...
It's a crime! Yes, it is treason!
I'd go after him except
Then I fear I would begin
To be a cold, unfeeling villain
With an endless lust for power just like him.

He's a villain, and his power
Never made him a good father.
My life was filled with loneliness
Until that fateful day
I met you. I never doubted
He would always cause me pain, so
If you care about my future,
Don't let him put me away.

Well, I know my world would crumble
If my father's cronies found us.
It's hard to sit here waiting
When I know they're after me!

Oh, he thinks that he's so clever,
And he's sure he can deceive us,
But you've known right from the start
The sort of man he'll always be.
He has never been worth trusting;
Clark, I'm certain you can see

He's a villain. All his power
Never made him a good father.
My life was filled with loneliness
Until that fateful day
That you saved me. Now I'm clinging
To the hope that you believe me.
Please don't let him find us.
Save my life again today.

Sassin' You (Aspenglow, John Denver)

I'm going back to work in a seasonal kiosk next week, so Christmas is beginning to seep into my consciousness. Aspenglow is one of my favorite somewhat unconventional Christmas songs. I feel bad because this is the second tender John Denver song I've turned into a whiny kid's rant, but I guess that's just the way it worked out...

Sassin' You

See me acting out of line.
Listen to the way I whine.
When will you guys get a clue?
I'm not through sassin' you.

Aggravation is my goal.
I am only ten years old,
But I know just what to do.
I'm not through sassin' you.

What a lousy life I live!
There's so much that you should give.
If you don't, I might just leave.
There's so much I should receive!

I won't let you try to ground.
Screams will be the only sound.
If you touch me, I will sue!
I'm not through sassin' you.

See me acting out of line.
Listen to the way I whine.
When will you guys get a clue?
I'm not through sassin' you.
I'm not through sassin' you.

Prepare to Die! (Rocky Mountain High, John Denver)

For all you Princess Bride fans out there - and I know there are a lot of you - here is a startlingly bloodthirsty song to the tune of Rocky Mountain High. Inigo's got a natural high too, but something tells me peacenik John wouldn't approve too much... (Note: I know there was no "now" in the famed line. But I needed it, and I figure it was implied anyway...)

Prepare to Die!

I met you in the summer of a carefree childhood year
When you asked Dad to make you a six-fingered sword.
He painstakingly designed it. You demanded it and then
Slashed the heart of my poor dad, who I adored.

When you decimated my life on that unholy day,
I was young and wasn't very strong.
But my words will now be spoken, for I'm perfectly prepared.
I have waited for this moment for so long.

You killed my father; now prepare to die!
I see you have six fingers, and that's why
Your shadow will not darken the dungeon where you make men cry.
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)

I know that you're a count; I'm intrepid Inigo
Montoya, and you really should fear me.
If I fail I will go crazy - but I will get the job done,
For the sake of my dad's sainted memory.

Now I walk, awash with gratitude that I at last have seen
Your foul face. Your life is mine to take.
I'm practically beside myself. Maybe now you'll understand
When you murdered Papa, you made a big mistake.

You killed my father; now prepare to die!
I see you have six fingers, and that's why
If you beg for mercy, you will hear my casual reply:
"Now prepare to die!" (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)

Did you ever stop to wonder whether I would find you here?
Did you underestimate my skill, my friend?
Now I want to see you on the ground. I'll shout out this phrase once more,
And then I will have my sweet revenge.

You killed my father; now prepare to die!
I see you have six fingers, and that's why
I know you are that same low and unscrupulous, unfeeling guy.
Now prepare to die!

My name is Inigo; now prepare to die!
I see you have six fingers, and that's why
I'm about to kill you. I will not be shy.
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die! (You killed my father.)
Now prepare to die!

When I'm Older (Sunshine on My Shoulders, John Denver)

As I was nearing the deadline I set for myself to write 52 parodies in 28 days, I asked my parents if they had any requests. Mom rather unsurprisingly suggested Sunshine on My Shoulders. I wasn't thinking about it at the time, but it's ironic that I wound up turning my mom's favorite song into the rant of a whiny child. Sorry about that! And at the age of seven, no less, which is how old I was when they went to see John Denver without me... Hmmmmm...

When I'm Older

Sometime when I'm older, I'll be happy.
Sometimes being seven makes me cry.
Sometimes, though you tell me that you love me,
I get grounded, and I wonder why.

If I had a day when I could boss you,
I'd make a rule that I could stay up late.
I would make a list that I would toss at you,
All full of lots of nasty chores you hate.

Sometime when I'm older, I'll be happy.
Sometimes being seven makes me cry.
Sometimes, though you tell me that you love me,
I get grounded, and I wonder why.

If I had a tale that I could tell you,
I'd tell a tale where I am the queen.
I would have a stack of golden dishes you
Would never use but always have to clean.

Sometime when I'm older, I'll be happy.
Sometimes being seven makes me cry.
Sometimes, though you tell me that you love me,
I get grounded, and I wonder why.
Sometimes, when I'm grounded I
Sometimes sit and wonder...

Hug a Tree (Plant a Tree, John Denver)

I know "tree-hugger" is generally seen as a derisive term, but I say embrace it... though there may be such a thing as going too far... To the tune of a grand tree-huggers' anthem, Plant a Tree, by a grand tree-hugger, John Denver.

Hug a Tree

Hug a tree to lift your sorrow.
Show the world that you're aware.
Hug a tree. They built America.
Hug a tree and let the birds nest in your hair.

Flash the peace sign at a stranger.
Join a protest in D.C.
Hug a tree.
Now's the time to make some changes.
A tree-hugger's the thing to be.

Hug a tree to lift your sorrow.
Hug a tree to show you care.
Hug a tree. They built America.
Hug a tree and let the birds nest in your hair.

Don't Know When I'll Go Out Again (Leavin' on a Jet Plane, John Denver)

Upon realizing that I had not yet parodied John Denver, I decided I needed to correct this situation, though curiously all my attempts thus far involve food... I'm one of those people who can't seem to eat anything without dropping food on the floor, myself or someone else. So I'm a slob sympathizer. Here's my lament to the tune of Leaving on a Jet Plane.

Don't Know When I'll Go Out Again

All my silverware is next to my plate.
I'm looking prim. My back is straight.
I'm wearing the most elegant of clothes.
But the food is coming. I quake in fear.
I'll do something dumb just as soon as it's here.
When it arrives, well, what do you suppose?

You dressed me, but look at me!
I'm as messy as can be!
Lap full of pop and General Tso.
My sleeve is dipped in chow mein.
Don't know when I'll go out again.
I'm such a slob, you know!

Oh, I didn't mean to let you down.
Don't stare at me and wear that frown.
Oops! I just dropped another chicken wing.
Every morsel that lies on the floor
Is a morsel I have dropped before.
Neat eating is a very tricky thing.

You dressed me, but look at me!
I'm as messy as can be!
Lap full of pop and General Tso.
My sleeve is dipped in chow mein.
Don't know when I'll go out again.
I'm such a slob, you know!

Now the time has come to leave
A check, and well, would you believe
I managed to get duck sauce on that too?
Do you dream of days you've known
When you have eaten meals alone
Without me there to embarrass you?

You dressed me, but look at me!
I'm as messy as can be!
Lap full of pop and General Tso.
My sleeve is dipped in chow mein.
Don't know when I'll go out again.
I'm such a slob, you know!