I'll Have to Say I Love You With a Snog (I'll Have to Say I Love You in a Song, Jim Croce)

It's tough to be in love with Harry Potter when Voldemort's after him. Here's a little invitation by Ginny on the occasion of Harry's 17th birthday to the tune of I'll Have to Say I Love You in a Song.

I'll Have to Say I Love You With a Snog

Well, I feared my heart would break
When you refused to date me.
Although you did it for my sake,
It's more than I can stand.

Since you came, my heart's been leaping
Just like a chocolate frog,
So I'll have to say I love you with a snog.

Oh, I knew things had to change;
Voldemort draws near you,
But today is your special day,
So come and take my hand.

Since you came, my heart's been leaping
Just like a chocolate frog,
So I'll have to say I love you with a snog.

Soon you'll face your final fight
And you'll brave Dementors' fog,
So I'll have to say I love you with a snog.

Yeah, I feared my heart would break
When you refused to date me.
Now you're on the verge of going away;
It's more than I can stand.

Since you came, my heart's been leaping
Just like a chocolate frog,
So I'll have to say I love you with a snog.

Calculator (Operator, Jim Croce)

I am a writer, or at least I try to be. I am not, in any way, shape or form, a mathematician. I was never much good at math class, especially when I hit high school. It was only my sincere desire to avoid any ugly confrontations with my teachers that kept me from doing the following, to the tune of Jim Croce's Operator. As it was, playing with my calculator was generally the most enjoyable part of class...

Calculator

Calculator, well, would you get me through this class?
You see, I think that I'm gonna die of boredom.
I heard the teacher say
That we're doing trig all day.
I'd rather play some Tetris because it's more fun.

I will be discrete so no one knows
That I'm not doing math.
When she writes those numbers
Upon the blackboard,
I'll just play dumb,
Say it's brains that I lack
And, "Aw geez,
I need more batteries.
My calculator's shot.
I thought that it could help,
But clearly it cannot.
All that works is this game!
Oh, ain't it a cryin' shame?"

Calculator, well, would you get me through this class?
I don't know a thing about algorithms,
And I just don't care.
You know, I think that it's unfair
To teach these things when I can't do nothin' with 'em.

I will be discrete so no one knows
That I'm not doing math.
When she writes those numbers
Upon the blackboard,
I'll just play dumb,
Say it's brains that I lack
And, "Aw geez,
I need more batteries.
My calculator's shot.
I thought that it could help,
But clearly it cannot.
All that works is this game!
Oh, ain't it a cryin' shame?"

Calculator, well, let's forget about this class,
Even though it's the reason that I bought you.
I think truancy
Is the way to go for me.
I'll accept an "E".

I will be discrete so no one knows
That I'm not doing math.
When she writes those numbers
Upon the blackboard,
I'll just play dumb,
Say it's brains that I lack
And, "Aw geez,
I need more batteries.
My calculator's shot.
I thought that it could help,
But clearly it cannot.
All that works is this game!
Oh, ain't it a cryin' shame?"

Can't Say His Name (I Got a Name, Charles Fox / Norman Gimbel)

Here's another Harry Potter parody, to the tune of Jim Croce's I Got a Name.

Can't Say His Name

Voldemort is such a bad sort of guy,
Can't say his name, can't say his name.
He's alive, but I'm not sure how or why.
Can't say his name, can't say his name.
When I try to, the others say I'm not allowed,
But it darkens my soul just like a shroud.

Got to defeat him my way.
Till I defeat him my way,
I'll fear the one who made my parents die.

It is overwhelming just to be me,
But I've got Ron, yeah, I've got Ron.
There is no one else I would rather be
Since I've got Ron, yeah, I've got Ron.
Oh, and I've got Hermione and I've got Hagrid,
So despite it all, I'm one lucky kid.

Got to defeat him my way.
Till I defeat him my way,
I'll fear the one who made my parents die.

All the world depends on me.

Though I don't know what's coming down the road,
I've got a scheme, I've got a scheme.
Sure as Neville Longbottom's got a toad,
I've got a scheme, I've got a scheme.
And I know I can count on help from Dumbledore.
How could any wizard want something more?

Got to defeat him my way.
Till I defeat him my way,
I'll fear the one who made my parents die.

Bad, Bad Dr. House (Bad Bad Leroy Brown, Jim Croce)

A few days ago, my friend called me excitedly to tell me that in response to a fan letter she had written, she received an autographed cast photo from House, which is one of our favorite shows to watch together. "You have to write a letter too!" she urged me. I agreed, but given my current obsession, I thought I'd try my hand at a parody first. I think Jim Croce might have gotten a kick out of this show...

Bad, Bad Dr. House

In a hospital in Princeton
Works a man named Gregory.
And if you go down there, you'd better just beware
Of him. He is House, M.D.

Well, his ethics are appalling,
And he's sadly short on class.
Those big words he uses help him to abuse
His patients. Dr. House is crass.

And he's bad, bad Dr. House,
Far too caustic to be a spouse.
Meaner than ol' Simon Cowell.
His remarks are really foul.

He's a diagnostic wizard,
And he loves to save a life.
But his ego's poison, and his sarcasm's annoying
And will cut you like a knife.

He's got a shiny motorcycle
And astonishing blue eyes.
Kind-hearted Wilson's his buddy, and the anal Cuddy
Is the boss he's terrorized.

And he's bad, bad Dr. House,
Far too caustic to be a spouse.
Meaner than ol' Simon Cowell.
His remarks are really foul.

He works with Chase and Foreman
And, just to add some spice,
Ambitious Cameron, who is attracted to him
Though he isn't very nice.

Well, his ex-girlfriend came calling,
And some trouble soon began.
He was forced to save her husband, and he raved,
For Dr. House is a jealous man.

And he's bad, bad Dr. House,
Far too caustic to be a spouse.
Meaner than ol' Simon Cowell.
His remarks are really foul.

People seem to want to change him,
To salve the scars from ages past.
House, however, will be cruel forever;
If he weren't, he'd get boring fast.

And he's bad, bad Dr. House,
Far too caustic to be a spouse.
Meaner than ol' Simon Cowell.
His remarks are really foul.