Slytherin (Yesterday, Paul McCartney)

I just finished a re-read of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and one of the scenes that jumped out at me was Harry's brief conversation with the Sorting Hat in Dumbledore's office.  Here's an homage to that moment to the tune of the Beatles' Yesterday.

Slytherin

Slytherin
Is the House you almost put me in.
What a big mistake that would have been!
I don’t belong in Slytherin.

Gryffindor
Is the House I’m clearly suited for.
Can’t you see the courage at my core?
Oh, I belong in Gryffindor.

I spoke to a snake.
Now they quake when I walk in,
Whispering, “Beware!
He’s the Heir of Slytherin!”

Slytherin
Left a lightning scar upon my skin.
Did it also burrow deep within?
Do I belong in Slytherin?

I spoke to a snake.
Now they quake when I walk in,
Whispering, “Beware!
He’s the Heir of Slytherin!”

Slytherin
Left a lightning scar upon my skin.
Did it also burrow deep within?
Do I belong in Slytherin?

The Lightning-Struck Tower (The Green Fields of France, Eric Bogle)

There's a critical moment in The Sound of Music during which Captain Von Trapp appeals to Rolfe, the zealous young Nazi in training, not to turn him in to the authorities, to instead join his family in their escape from an increasingly dangerous Austria.  I was startled when it came to that point in my high school's production and Rolfe, rather than hollering for his commander as he'd done in the film, reported back that there was no one there.  He didn't join them, and he only bought them a few minutes, so the impact upon the play was minimal, but what a difference it made in the future I could imagine for the character!

I think of that scene every time I read The Lightning-Struck Tower, the twenty-seventh chapter in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, in which the cornered Dumbledore appeals to Draco Malfoy's better nature.  Before we can get a definitive answer as to what Draco will do, Rowling interrupts their conversation, and the matter goes out of Draco's hands.  But the fact that he's still teetering in indecision suggests a great deal about what his ultimate choice might have been.

When I was browsing YouTube earlier this week for the tracks on Take Me Home, Celtic Thunder's latest album, one of the last songs I listened to was The Green Fields of France.  I'd never heard of it before, so I didn't really know what to expect, but by the end of the second exquisitely delivered line, I knew I'd stumbled upon something special.  I was sure I wanted to use it as a springboard, but I needed to find just the right subject.  Something solemn, something personal, something involving a choice.  I kept coming back to Ben Linus and Jacob in the season five finale of LOST, but it just didn't feel quite right.  Then I made the leap to the comparable scene in Harry Potter, and it practically wrote itself...

The Lightning-Struck Tower

Well, how do you do, young Draco Malfoy?
Do you mind if we speak for a moment, my boy?
Your face seems so pale, but please don't be alarmed,
For you've caught me alone and completely unarmed.
I hear by the clatter reaching us from below
You've succeeded in letting in Death Eaters, so
You may wait till they come here to deal the death blow,
For killing is harder than the innocent know.

Will you lower your weapon and allow me to step in?
Will you stop while your soul is untarnished and whole?
Will you trust the benevolent will win?
Will you veer from the path of a villain?

I'm impressed with your efforts.  You've thought this thing through.
The Vanishing Cabinets...  How clever of you!
And magical coins and a brainwashed barmaid.
It's time I applauded you, Draco.  Well played!
I know desperation has been driving you, son,
But please, while the damage is yet to be done,
Turn away from the darkness of Voldemort's side.
I'll offer protection and I'll help you to hide.

Will you lower your weapon and allow me to step in?
Will you stop while your soul is untarnished and whole?
Will you trust the benevolent will win?
Will you veer from the path of a villain?

Now, Draco Malfoy, I can't help but suspect
Your heart isn't in this.  With all due respect,
Did you really believe that the necklace you cursed
And the mead that you poisoned would come to me first?
They were feeble attempts, and most fortunately,
Your victims were not injured permanently.
Now I hope you'll go over your options with me,
For it's my mercy now, and not yours, that is key.

Will you lower your weapon and allow me to step in?
Will you stop while your soul is untarnished and whole?
Will you trust the benevolent will win?
Will you veer from the path of a villain?
Will you veer from the path of a villain?

Green Fields of France 

Expecto Patronum! (Heartland, Phil Coulter)

One of the most impressive songs in the Celtic Thunder catalog is Heartland, a haunting ensemble number in which storm-tossed seafarers pray for protection from the elements.  With its Gaelic chorus that translates to "Lord, have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy," it's also perhaps the most overtly religious song they perform.  I've been itching to do something with it ever since I heard it, but I was clueless as to what that might be.  Then tonight, the solution hit me over the head.  So here's my tribute to my favorite of J. K. Rowling's many creative spells.

Expecto Patronum!
 
Harry: When Dementors threaten and all is cold,
Deliver me from the darkness in my soul.

All: Expecto patronum!  Expecto patronum!
Expecto patronum!  Expecto patronum!

Luna: When my world is lonely and friendships rare,
Call to mind my comrades, little hare.

All: Expecto patronum!  Expecto patronum!
Expecto patronum!  Expecto patronum!

Snape: Silver doe, I have kept you secret so long.
Lead the boy to the sword and make him strong.

All: Expecto patronum!  Expecto patronum!
Expecto patronum!  Expecto patronum!

Harry: Deliverer, deliverer,
I wait for you!

All: Expecto patronum!  Expecto patronum!
Expecto patronum!  Expecto patronum!

Expecto patronum!  Expecto patronum!
Expecto patronum!  Expecto patronum!

Narnian (Working Man, Rita MacNeil)

When I first heard Working Man, the song George Donaldson sings about a long-suffering coal miner on Celtic Thunder's latest album, Take Me Home, I immediately found myself thinking of a climactic scene in The Silver Chair, the fourth (by the original reckoning) installment in C. S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia.  That may be in part because my friend Beth recently reread the book, so I had it in my mind.  But hearing the words of this coal miner longing for the joys of the outside world after years spent mostly in the dusty darkness reminded me very much of how the Marshwiggle Puddleglum, gloomy by our standards but cheerful by the standards of his species, stubbornly refuses to give in to the hypnotic suggestion that the dreary underground kingdom they have entered is all that exists.  It's one of my favorite moments in the series.  So Puddleglum, this one's for you.

Narnian

It's a Narnian I am, and although I'm underground,
I recall the warmth of a blazing summer sun,
And I've marveled at the light from the stars that burn at night.
You never will make me doubt what Aslan's done.

I'll admit that from the first, I have liked to know the worst.
But still, I am unique among my race.
For a wiggle's outlook is bleak, but my optimistic streak
Is my best defense against this wretched place.

It's a Narnian I am, and although I'm underground,
I recall the warmth of a blazing summer sun,
And I've marveled at the light from the stars that burn at night.
You never will make me doubt what Aslan's done.

Now, allow me to reflect.  Let's suppose that you're correct.
We've made up trees and grass and Aslan too.
We are children playing a game, as you've been so quick to claim. 
Well, our play-world beats your real one through and through.

It's a Narnian I am, and although I'm underground,
I recall the warmth of a blazing summer sun,
And I've marveled at the light from the stars that burn at night.
You never will make me doubt what Aslan's done.
No, you never will make me doubt what Aslan's done.

I'm Proud to Call Myself a Fan of Second Banana McMahon

Windfall

I always hoped he'd show up at my door,
Balloons behind his back, a check in hand.
When I had picked my jaw up off the floor,
I'd say a hearty thanks to Ed McMahon.

Alas, the sweepstakes never went my way,
And yet his riches surely spread to me.
A laugh was all the price I had to pay
For hefty doses of hilarity.

The banter that he bartered with his friend,
The one and only Johnny, was a prize,
And even when the program reached its end,
He resolutely stayed before our eyes.

When searching for a star or raising dough
For Jerry and his kids both young and old,
His class was on display throughout the show,
And in his jokes I found comedic gold.

So though I still am not a millionaire,
I'm grateful for the treasures he dispersed.
Ed always played the second, but his flair
Assured he'll be remembered as the first.

An Ode to "OxiClean Guy" Billy Mays

I'm a night owl, so I was all too familiar with the exuberant Billy Mays. Whenever my brother comes home from college for a couple of days, we fully expect to spend some time in his company and three o'clock in the morning. Though he caused me to wear down my mute button, I will miss his enthusiasm.

Billy the Bellower

In moments when I should have been in bed,
I'd stir upon the couch with bleary gaze.
As brightly booming cheers alighted on my ears,
I'd shake a startled fist at Billy Mays.

No matter what the bearded vendor said,
He shouted with the fervor of a fan.
This infomercial prince forever made me wince,
And yet I couldn't help but love the man.

I wondered if he ever simply spoke.
Was every meal with him a loud affair
Most likely to begin with his expansive grin
As Billy gushed about the silverware?

"He should be my alarm clock," I would joke,
For who could sleep through his effusive pitch
When he proclaimed, "Kaboom!" or sterilized a room
With household magic that could wow a witch?

He was so fond of adding, "Wait! There's more!"
For him, I've little doubt that this was true.
More twenty-dollar toys, more ordinary joys,
More decent, life-affirming work to do.

When I am stuck with some distasteful chore,
I don't intend to bow to lethargy.
I'll chuckle as I scrub my scum-encrusted tub,
Recalling Billy bellowing at me.

Frodo, Where's Your Finger? (Donald Where's Your Trousers, Andy Stewart / Neil Grant)

This one goes out to my uncle, a big fan of both Lord of the Rings and The Irish Rovers.  This is a parody of their version of the delightfully silly Donald, Where's Your Trousers?

Frodo, Where's Your Finger?

From the Cracks of Doom back to Hobbiton,
Since the day that my quest was done,
I have heard from everyone,
"Frodo, where's your finger?"

Now liberated from Sauron's Eye,
I huddled with Sam and prepared to die.
Then Eagles swooped down from the sky,
Screeching, "Frodo, where's your finger?"

From the Cracks of Doom back to Hobbiton,
Since the day that my quest was done,
I have heard from everyone,
"Frodo, where's your finger?"

While I was praised in Gondor's hall,
I spied the cheekiest Took of all
And grumbled as I heard him call,
"Frodo, where's your finger?"

From the Cracks of Doom back to Hobbiton,
Since the day that my quest was done,
I have heard from everyone,
"Frodo, where's your finger?" (2x)

Returning home, my friends began
To scrub away the damage of Saruman,
While I was keen to start a ban
On "Frodo, where is your finger?"

From the Cracks of Doom back to Hobbiton,
Since the day that my quest was done,
I have heard from everyone,
"Frodo, where's your finger?"

I'm on my way to the distant West,
To join the ancient Elven blessed.
Now after all this time, I can have a rest
From "Frodo, where's your finger?"

From the Cracks of Doom back to Hobbiton,
Since the day that my quest was done,
I have heard from everyone,
"Frodo, where's your finger?"
"Frodo, where's your finger?"