He Didn't Scour the Shire (We Didn't Start the Fire, Billy Joel)

I am a huge Tolkien fan, and I was thrilled with Peter Jackson's film trilogy. But the purist in me cried out on a few occasions, and many I know cried out even louder, so I thought I'd point out all his mis-steps. I figured Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire would give me a lot to work with. I kid because I love, Pete. And because sometimes you frustrate me...

He Didn't Scour the Shire

We are rabid Tolkien fans, and we make great demands
On that bearded, nerdy weirdo who's the guy who took
The professor's thrilling epic, made it base and anti-septic.
Start to finish, he diminished our favorite book.

What of Bombadil? Peter Jackson said nil.
Arwen replaced Glorfindel; we think that's a sin.
Rosie is a barmaid, Sam wishes he had stayed
In the Shire. We are tired of the changes he made.

He didn't scour the Shire.
Even though we pleaded,
Peter never heeded.
He didn't scour the Shire.
Though we tried to fight it,
Peter wouldn't write it.

Middle-earth's long history must remain a mystery
To the newbies who are too befuddled to know
Just why one big eye's such a threat to this shy,
Flaccid furry fellow who's called Frodo.

Helm's Deep? We weep every time Legolas leaps
Like a surfer and Gimli says to Aragorn, "Toss me!"
Have to hold us down when Sam-fool turns around,
Heading home all alone while bawling profusely.

He didn't scour the Shire.
Even though we pleaded,
Peter never heeded.
He didn't scour the Shire.
Though we tried to fight it,
Peter wouldn't write it.

We admit we're a bit grossed when man and elf swap spit.
Would you tell these fans, why'd you axe Saruman?
When did the ents become so completely ho-hum?
Pip and Merry? Well fed, fruity couple of pot-heads.

Sam gets rope and complains, grumbles each time it rains.
Covets potatoes in a flash video.
Gollum goes free-lance, swears and does a crazy dance
On a dumb awards show. How low can he go?

He didn't scour the Shire.
Even though we pleaded,
Peter never heeded.
He didn't scour the Shire.
Though we tried to fight it,
Peter wouldn't write it.

Hobbits are too young, immature and far-flung,
Nonsense accents tripping upon their tongues.

Pippin's always in the mood to abscond with someone's food.
Scary Merry lectures ents severely.
Frodo has doe eyes. Worst of all, though, is Samwise.
Cries all day! Clearly gay! What else do we have to say?

He didn't scour the Shire.
Even though we pleaded,
Peter never heeded.
He didn't scour the Shire.
Though we tried to fight it,
Peter wouldn't write it.

Legolas makes teens swoon. Gimli wants to kill him soon.
Aragorn sings, hating that he's king.
Boromir, who's hopping mad, wants the Ring for his dad.
Gandalf smokes and guzzles mead while he sits and tries to read.

Faramir is cruel and crass. Eomer has got no class,
Never done poking fun at 'most everyone
Who is less than four feet tall. Celeborn's part is too small.
Scrubbing bubbles win the war. We can't take it anymore!

He didn't scour the Shire.
Even though we pleaded,
Peter never heeded.
He didn't scour the Shire.
Though we tried to fight it,
Peter wouldn't write it.

He didn't scour the Shire,
And when he is gone,
We will grumble on and on and on...